Good evening! Well, another weekend has come and gone and we’re once again on the verge of a long work week. Did I ever mention that I hate Sunday nights? For some reason, once the time hits around 4ish on Sunday afternoon it’s all downhill from there. Weekend’s over! Ah well, I always look forward to the same time on Monday, because getting over that first day of the week is a nice feeling, and so it all washes in the end!

Lost

Forgive me in advance if I babble. The weekend was a blur for me and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. This has been the longest break I’ve taken since starting this blog again in January and I didn’t want to go through another day without making a post. I just haven’t felt like sharing, or writing in general for that matter, and so other than my “Song of the Day”, I’ve abstained from posting.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I write here. I feel as if sometimes I’m just all over the place, maybe a little too broad, but it is a work in progress. I also feel that often I say more than I really should. I mean, what kind of person shares all of the crazy inner workings of their mind like I have here? It’s a struggle that I deal with constantly. Historically, whenever I’ve written about really personal stuff, I seem to do my best writing, but does anyone really care? Should I?

Normally when I write it helps me to think about things in ways that I wouldn’t ordinarily think about them. I’ve said before it is my therapy. The question is, should I be doing it in public like this? Lately, for whatever reason, I find myself with a dilemma as to whether or not I should put myself out there so much. A million questions run through my mind 24 hours, 7 days a week:

Am I foolish to put myself out there like I do?

Does anyone really give a crap about the things I have to say?
Should I care what people think? If it helps me, then who cares who reads it anyway.

Why do I have to do it publicly?

Is any of this going to help me as a writer?

But then I think…maybe now, or maybe later, there will be someone out there who will read my words and see that, crazy or not, they’re not always alone in the things that they experience or the things that they feel. I know from past experience that you never know who’s reading you and I’ve often been humbled by the things people have said in response to my words.

There are people who do read this blog. There’ve been far more hits to it than I would have ever guessed. Some are friends who find this the only way to keep up with my life, but even knowing that I can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with me that this is how I do it. Lately I’ve been keeping a lot to myself and I’m not sure if that’s good. I do know, though, that it’s hard to put myself out there. Sometimes I try and sometimes I don’t care to. I feel lost, helpless.

As life goes, thankfully, moods change and I occasionally find a few hours of sunshine amidst all of the clouds that hover over my so called life. I heard from an old acquaintance of mine this afternoon and the contact lifted my spirits for at least a few hours. As the night winds down though, so do I.

Again, forgive the babbling. This isn’t the normal me, but I didn’t want to go to sleep without putting something here. Even through all of the questions I’ve just posed here, I’ve still managed to bare a little more of myself. Is it okay, or is it not? I don’t know, but I promise to get back to whatever it is I normally do here soon. To prove it, here’s a video. It’s an upbeat song whose title says it all for me: Please Don’t Stop the Music! Enjoy!

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Well the roller coaster just keeps going downhill! Without getting into too much, the tax man had some pretty grim news for me today and I think I’ve completely lost it. The news came as a shock and now I have a lot of lot of thinking to do…

This works out just great with all of the other things that have been going on in my life lately and I find myself in the lowest of places. Once again I've turned to music to seek comfort in my desolation through the words of others.

At the moment I’m listening to Gnarls Barkley, a group whose music I’ve been a fan of for a long time. When I first discovered them, after their song “Crazy” became so popular, I found the lyrical content of the majority of their stuff dark and attractive. Many of these songs spoke to me in one way or another, and they telll me that I'm not always alone in the way I'm feeling.

Though afterwards I learned to like their more up tempo stuff just as much, the darker songs are ones which I can identify with during times like these. Here’s some of what I’m talking about:

Crazy

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?

This song has always been a work of pure genius to me. I think we all think we're a little crazy sometimes and as long as we accept that, we're ok!



Just a Thought

Here’s one that got me the first time I ever heard it. The song’s called “Just a Thought”, and it’s about something I think we all go through in our minds when things aren't looking so good. Read on and take a listen below:

All I want is your understanding
As in the small act of affection
"Why is this my life?"
Is almost everybody's question

And I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

I prefer peace
Wouldn't have to have one worldly possession
But essentially I'm an animal
So just what do I do with all the aggression?

Well I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

Life is a one-way street, and if you could paint it
I'd draw myself going in the right direction
So I go all the way - like I really really know -
But the truth is I'm only guessin'

Well I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

It's even dark in the daytime
It's not just good - it's +Great Depression+
When I was lost I even found myself
Looking in the gun's direction

Well I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind



This is some powerful and dark stuff, huh? I couldn’t help but hear it in my head as I left the tax man’s office today, as this newest bad news hit me like a ton of bricks. “What else can happen to me?” I think to myself, and yes, the chorus runs through my head over and over. But like they say in the song, it’s “just a thought.”

Who’s Gonna Save My Soul



Woof! I just saw this video for the first time and I couldn’t help but relate to it big time. Though the video pokes fun at breakups, the song itself is soulful, deep, and very sad. I think it just may make it to my “Favorite Slow Songs” list, although I'd better not listen to it too often if you know what I mean. Check out the lyrics and the video below:

I got some bad news this morning
Which in turn made my day
When this someone spoke I listened
All of a sudden, has less and less to say
Ohhhhhh how could this be?
All this time, I've lived vicariously
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
How will my story ever be told now?
How will my story be told now?

Made me feel like somebody
Hmmm, like somebody else
Although he was imitated often
It felt like I was bein myself
Is it a shame that someone else's song
Was totally and completely dependent on
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
I wonder if I'll live to grow old now
Gettin high cause I feel so low down

And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder-ahhhhh
Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greeeeed
Cause what about what I neeeeeed?!
And OHHHH~! Who's gonna save my soul now?
Who's gonna save my soul now?
Ohhhh I know I'm out of control now
Oooh-oooh, tired enough to lay my own soul down


Gnarls Barkley - "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"
Uploaded by DowntownMusic. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

These are just a few of the Gnarls Barkley songs that have spoken to me in times of sorrow and worry. There are others, but for me these three songs tell the story of my life in the present, and so these are all I’ll share for now. If you don’t know the music of Gnarls Barkley, then you’re really missing out on something. Though they’ve never been too mainstream, other than the smash “Crazy”, I think their music is relevant, poignant, and somehow strangely comforting.

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Good morning all. Well, today is tax day, the moment of truth. As always, my refund is going to get another hit this year because I actually made enough money from my writing to get a 1099 in the mail and another 1099 was sent to me by the flower shop because for some reason they decided to pay me as an independent contractor again. Ugh, and the money from this year’s refund is going to go to my summer fund. Fingers crossed anyway!

Life’s Roller Coaster



Anyone who knows me know how much I love roller coasters, but this roller coaster of life is a whole other story. It seems I can never have two good days in a row lately, and I’ve got to figure out something that will break me from all of this. I know that time helps, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just him that’s causing me grief, and all the time in the world isn’t going to help with that.

I know I probably brought this all on myself, but maybe I needed a reminder that there are a lot of things I still need to work on before I can really get a move on with my life. After my dentist appointment yesterday, I did a little shopping near the Smithaven Mall and afterwards I found myself going to visit Joe at his job. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve and I haven’t seen him since August. I don’t know, I just felt a need to see him.

Our visit was short and pleasant, as it usually is with him. I saw a couple of his friends who I’d known when we were together and had a chance to catch up with them a bit before Joe walked in. He’d been on a house call when I got there, but he showed up in no time, really. I don’t know, I think he was happy to see me. My first trepidation at making the visit was his reaction to my appearance.

Like my friends Grazyna and Rich before, Joe seemed shocked that I had lost so much weight. “You need to go eat a cheeseburger,” he kept telling me.

“I’m 170 pounds. That’s just right for me.”

“Where are you 170 pounds? I can see it in your face,” he answered disapprovingly.
I asked him if I looked sick and he told me no, but I can’t help but wonder about that. I mean, I don’t feel sick, but like my mom I often worry about things like that. Deep down I know it’s my eating habits, and I’ve been trying to eat more lately, but I’m still afraid to gain weight.

We spoke of our lives and how they were going. Throughout the conversation I kept thinking to myself how happy he seems with his life. I feel like I’m still in some sort of purgatory. No matter what I do, I still can’t seem to get things right with my life and I don’t know how to fix it.

I thought about him most of the day afterwards. I thought about all of the memories we shared, the happy times together. I kept asking myself “what happened?” and the sadness at our ending came back to me. I know that when we broke up it was how it had to be, though, because just like with Sunday, I know it takes two to make a relationship and if one is not right with it there’s nothing else that can be done about it.

On my way home from the club last night I listened to my “Favorite Slow Songs” folder on my iPod. Though I knew it would only make me sadder, I couldn’t help it. Aside from being slow and sometimes sad, they’re all great songs that I love to sing along to. There was MJB’s “Each Tear”, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air”, some gut-wrenching Adele, and some more Mary. By the time the list reached around the 10th song I lost it. The song was Sade’s “By Your Side.” It had been Joe’s and my song and for the first time ever it made me cry.

I cried not for Joe or for Sunday, but for me. I don’t know, but right now I can’t help but relate the two relationships and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. With Joe, I had it all, everything one could ask for in a life partner, but I wasn’t satisfied with the downside of our relationship. With him, I believed I just may have found the next love of my life, but ultimately fate dealt its hand against my favor once again.

So where to go from here? That’s a good question, one which I don’t have an easy answer to. I’m feeling much better today, but I know it won’t last too long. I just have to make a conscious effort to hang on to it as long as I can, and figure out a way to make it all better. We’ll have to see!



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Well as expected today was a snow day, and we had lots of it! I just got back inside from shoveling…over an hour and a half. It was backbreaking, especially the stuff towards the end of the driveway that the plows packed in. You can see from some of the pictures I’ve added what it was like.

Last night was not good. I went out to dinner with a friend, the one who’s also going through a breakup at the moment. We went to a sports bar/restaurant that I had a gift certificate for…one that I was supposed to review for YourLI.com. We had a pleasant enough dinner, but towards the end of it I was feeling very tired and depressed. When I left, I even backed into a plow in the parking lot without even noticing. It made a loud noise, but thankfully there was no damage to either the plow or my car. I drove home.

When I made it home I was physically and mentally exhausted thinking of the night and day ahead all to myself. Being cooped up in the house does nothing but make me think of my situation and I just become even more miserable. I spoke to my mom for a bit, and then I headed for bed. It was around 9PM when I zonked out.

I thought it would just be a nap. I already knew that there was no school today and so I figured I’d stay sleep a couple of hours, then maybe get up and do some writing, maybe even have a glass of wine. Stay up a little late. It was to no avail. I slept as sound as a kitten straight through to this morning. When I woke up, I saw that he had texted me around 11:30 last night. Apparently he was having some sort of a crisis and he resorted to contacting me for help. I’ve always been the type of person that people could talk to about their problems and I did that for him a lot when we were dating.

Anyway, at first I was upset that I didn’t hear the text come in. I’d really love to speak with him. I miss that. All I could think to do this morning was to respond in some way, telling him that he could call me if he needed to. I don’t know, at least it could have been some breakthrough to start speaking again. I texted him that I was sorry for not responding because I was asleep, and since I am now unblocked on Facebook, I sent him a message there, as well. By the time I went outside to shovel around 12:30, I hadn’t heard from him.

As I was shoveling my driveway, I thought a lot about the text. On one hand, it made me feel good that he’d want to reach out to me for comfort. I do believe that he does/did value me in his life in some way or another and I also believe that deep down inside he does want to be a part of my life still, somehow. On the other hand, however, I couldn’t help but think what his crisis was all about. If he’s still mourning and crazy still over his ex, then that’s something I don’t want to hear about. What was I to him? It’s one of the reasons I need to stay away and I should’ve said that in the messages I sent back to him this morning.

I could be wrong and I hope that I am. I’d like to believe that somehow he’s also mourning the loss of me in his life. At one time I really believed he liked me and wanted to be with me, but these revelations he had since right before he broke up with me make me think sometimes that he’s erased any thought of me in that way. I hope not! I hope this wasn’t all just a big tease, a big joke that life played on me…to take me from a happy place, bring me to a happier one, only to have my heart ripped apart like it has.

Just as I began writing this post, he texted me to thank me for reaching back out to him. I reassured him that he could call me if he ever needed to talk. I wanted to provide that one exclusion, but it just wasn’t the right way to say it. Besides, I would hope that he understands what he’s put me through and knows that carrying his troubles to me about getting over his ex would just be a great heap of salt in my wounds. He is young, after all, and as my friend told me last week, most young people these days are too narcissistic, too into their own selves, to even notice what their actions do to others. I’d like to believe that’s not so with him.

Through all the contact we had in the past twelve hours or so, I might have expected to speak with him today. I’m sure it would be difficult for him to call me…it’s probably why he resorted to a text last night instead of just a phone call. He probably knows that I have a lot to say and he doesn’t want to have to deal with it. But I feel it coming. We’ll just have to see where it goes…

On a side note, I heard from YourLI.com today after I sent them the review of Skybox Restaurant and Sports Lounge (the place I went to last night). It seems that the portion of their website in which my articles had been appearing was not doing well and they’ve decided to take it down. They won’t be needing my reviews any longer. He told me to enjoy the remaining gift certificates I had and if things change, he’ll let me know. Oh, well, par for my course lately!

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I’m having a bad day today and it’s my own fault. Thinking about him last night carried over to this morning and I’ve been depressed all day. There’s a piece I’ve been meaning to write, and after several attempts at starting it over the past week, I finally sat down and got it done. It’s called “Soundtrack of a Relationship” (see below) and it’s all about the songs that told the tale of our time together. Writing the piece and going through the songs just made me even sadder, but I think it's a good piece.

I got a call today about the car I’m selling. It was the only person I spoke to all day. The man seemed interested and I was excited for a brief moment. He said he would call me back to come take a look, so I went outside to clean the snow off of it and start it up. He never called back, and that’s when my depression hit a low for the day. I listened to some sad music and went to sleep. I’m simply at a loss, still finding this all just too much for me to swallow. I don’t know what to do to make it better.

I haven’t had any communication with him in a week and even though I said that’s what I wanted, it doesn’t seem to be helping me forget like it’s supposed to…at least not yet. Maybe I’m expecting too much too soon. My poor kitties know that I’m not right and they’ve been all over me a bit too much and I mostly shoo them away. I just miss him so much and I’m hoping that he’s hurting at least a little over me. I just don’t know! Oh man, I’ve got, got to get myself together and soon!

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It’s Sunday morning and aside from the cold it looks like it’s a beautiful day outside. Although I went to sleep around 3:30, I got up around 8:30 when my cat Dylan got up in my face and wouldn’t let me sleep. I did make it out last night. The roads weren’t bad at all, that is until I was on my way home and I hit a mini-blizzard that was covering maybe an 8-mile radius over this part of Long Island. It was okay, though. I took it easy and made it home safe.

Splash was good last night, but more of the same. Though I say I’m getting better I think I still need more time to get through this. As always, I got to the club and almost immediately got into the mix of people dancing on the dance floor. Like I said yesterday, I was going to try and meet people this time, not going to shy away, and I started the evening out with those very intentions. I danced the way I always do, with good moves (if I say so myself!) and a big smile on my face, and I did get attention from several interesting people, but most of the attention I got was unwanted.

Within the first few minutes of hitting the floor, I ran into this Asian guy I had known from going to Splash these last several months. I don’t know his name. We’ve never spoken, but a while back he had pursued me and I had to let him know that I wasn’t interested. He got the message and now whenever I see him we just share a dance or two, which is totally cool.

Last night he had two other Asian friends with him, neither of whom was anything to look at. I was dancing by myself on the side of the dance floor when I caught the eye and smile of my ‘dancing buddy.’ I danced over towards him. I smiled at his friends, which they obviously took the wrong way because within seconds the two of them were trying to make a sandwich out of me! I had one of them pressed up against my back and the other to my front, and the two of them were holding hands and smiling towards one another. My dancing buddy just smiled. I had to do some pretty wild maneuvers to get out of that one and for the rest of the night I had to keep one eye over my shoulder and my arms ready for some shoving if need be.

Meanwhile another dude, a shirtless, muscular Latino guy, was giving me the eye. He was good looking enough, but he wasn’t my type. As I tried to keep at arm’s length from the Asian guys, he seemed to figure it was his job to rescue me, and so he started dancing up towards me. Within seconds, he was running his hands down my back. I turned around to face him and move my body away, but he was looking me square in the eyes and moving closer towards me. When he started touching my chest I made my move. Now I was slithering away from three. Throughout the night, I kept moving away from them, dancing my way across the floor to another spot and every time I moved, it always seemed the three of them were still at close range.

At one point there was a cute guy who’d been returning my smiles. He was dancing with someone, but he was clearly interested. We danced up to one another a couple of times, and at one point he reached across and stroked my cheek with his hand. It made me smile! At that point, one of the Asian dudes came up from behind me and was actually trying to dry hump me from behind. I rolled my eyes at the cute guy, turned to face the Asian guy and moved on off the dance floor.

(Mental note - I’ve got to learn to stop smiling so much because guys take that as a signal that I’m interested, even when I’m not. It’s gonna be hard because smiling is a natural thing for me, but I guess in situations like these it sends out the wrong signal.)

After leaving the dance floor I headed downstairs. Splash has a second bar area down there complete with disc jockey and its own crowd. They were playing Beyonce’s “Get Me Bodied”, one of my favorite songs, and I jumped into the fray on the tiny dance area and got my groove on for a bit. Before the song ended, though, the witching hour hit without warning.

As has happened to me almost every time I’ve gone to Splash since he left me, I hit a point in the night when he pops into my head. I don’t know if it’s because that’s where I met him or whether it’s just me coming down from my distraction. I suddenly get a sense that I’m all alone. The music and the faces fade into the background, and all I want to do is get out of there. I quickly ran to the coat check to get my jacket and left. Within minutes, I was once again in my car for the long ride home, listening to sad music and thinking of him. I’m beginning to rethink my nights out at Splash…

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I love Mary J. Blige! Here's a great, great song from her "My Life" CD. When I saw her at Radio City back in October, she let the audience sing it from start to finish...it was amazing! This one's another perfect song to match how I'm feeling lately. Take a look at the lyrics:

I'm Goin Down

Time on my hands
Since you been away boy
I ain't got no plans
No no no no
And the sound of the rain
Against my windowpane
Is slowly, is slowly drivin' me insane, boy

[Chorus:]
I'm goin' down
I'm goin' down
Cause you ain't around baby
My whole world's upside down

Sleep don't come easy
Boy please believe me
Since you been gone
Everything's goin' wrong
Why'd you have to say goodbye
Look what you've done to me
I can't stop these tears from fallin' from my eyes
Ooh baby

[Chorus]

Oooh baby love
goin' down, goin' down
Mmm ooh I'm goin' down
Ooh I, I...

[Chorus]

Ooh, goin' down
Goin' down
Oh, I don't know what to do
If I ever lose you
I'll be goin' down
I said I'll be goin' down
Oh, please forgive me baby
I'm so sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
What did I do wrong?
I said, what did I do wrong?
Please forgive me baby
And come on home
Goin' down, goin' down, goin' down

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There is a song, a sad song that I’ve listened to for years. It’s part of a collection of music I’ve come to know and love called simply “chill.” The music is sort of a mix between club and ambient trance and I’ve got several CD’s in this relaxing, ethereal genre. On my way home from work this afternoon, I played a playlist of my favorite chill songs and this one was always one of my favorites.

“No Ordinary Morning”, by British trance artist Chicane, has such a melancholy melody that even without words it would make you sad. But there are words to the song, and they’re sung (by singer Tracy Ackerman) in as equally melancholy a tone as the music. Though I’ve always known every word to the lyrics, I never really connected to them like I did today. That’s what makes music so powerful: when the words to a song carry meaning in your own life.

Of course, I’m still in a state of sadness over this guy whom I liked so much. In the past few days my feelings towards him and the breakup have slowly begun to metamorphisize. Where I once felt empathy for him, and sadness for myself, I now experience occasional moments of anger.

I’m angry that he came into my life the way he did, bringing me happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time, and then ripped it away so quickly.

I’m angry that he couldn’t tell me his decision. He carried his message through an email and our last discussion was carried out through text messages back and forth as if the openly communicative relationship we’d shared for two months had never existed.

I’m angry that he doesn't seem to feel remorse for treating me this way.

I’m angry that all of the special moments we shared, all of the heartfelt discussions and thoughts of me sprinkled through his day, could be washed away so assuredly and with such finality.

I’m angry that he could wash away whatever feelings we were developing for one another and be just friends.

I’m angry that he told me I meant so much to him, yet he wasn’t willing to try and take the chance with me. I wasn't looking to get married or move in together. I only wanted to be a part of his life, to work slowly on something that could've turned out to be the best thing in both of our lives.

I'm angry that he said he couldn't be in a relationship, and yet he couldn't see that I was still willing to stick by his side, through all of his troubles and leftover feelings, to guide him and to be there for him when and only when he needed it. Instead, he's lost me from his life completely with his decision.

I’m angry that I believed.

Below are the lyrics to “No Ordinary Morning.” With the exception of one or two lines, the song speaks for me. I’ve posted a video to the song below and whenever you’re feeling down, take a listen and it will give you comfort in your sorrows. Trust me!

No Ordinary Morning

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for a reason why
The love we had passed me by

And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me?
You’ve closed your eyes, you no longer see

There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed

You could give a million reasons, change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind…

Outside of our hearts and emotions, there is the mind. Though the personal entries in this blog may seem like I’m simply wallowing through my own emotions, I am a writer and putting thoughts into concrete words is cathartic for me. Though there’s a void that’s been left in my heart, I know that eventually I will move on from this. I have no choice. I believe the anger expressed above is part of the healing process and maybe a sign that things will get better for me somehow.

I don’t know what’s to come for he and I. Maybe one day we’ll be able to speak again. Right now I have no idea. I understand that we all have our own paths to follow and I don’t claim to know or understand all that he is going through. But during our time together, I did come to understand a little bit of how his mind works, and I know he believes from his own perspective, that this is the path he must follow. I have to let that be, but I also believe deep down inside that he gave up one of the good ones and that’s too bad!

Today is Friday and I’ve been looking forward all week to some dancing, my other form of therapy, and this morning’s forecast called for 3-8 inches of snow. It’s now a little after six and the snow stopped awhile ago, with not much accumulation. So I think I’ll be headed out for some much needed nighttime distraction…

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I’m taking care of this one early today because like I said yesterday I get more down towards the evening and besides I’m feeling somewhat good this afternoon. Both yesterday and today I got to spend some time talking with two people who I consider to be good friends. Friends come in all different flavors and these two couldn’t be more different from one another. My friendship with each of them takes on different forms, but each serves a need in my life in their own right. They’re both fabulous in their own ways.

Towards the end of the day yesterday I got a text from my first friend, a fellow teacher who’s in the same boat as me. Right now she’s enduring the aftermath of a breakup, too, and like me, she’s not feeling so chipper these days. She and I took a short walk into town for a cup of coffee and we shared our personal experiences over the past few days since we’d spoken last. As they say misery loves company and it was nice to be able to speak openly and honestly with someone else who was going through the same things as me, someone who understands. At that moment, I think I needed that.

Today, I ran into another friend of mine who keeps tabs on me through my writing and our occasional chats. Though she can be admittedly quirky at times, she’s a very intelligent woman and I often value her opinions. It is her that I credit for my current upbeatedness, however long it may last. Today was the first time I had the chance to talk with her directly since my relationship ended.

“So, tell me… What the heck is going on? You sound like you want to kill yourself or something!” (She’d been reading this blog.)

I kept her up to date by going back to how it happened, throwing in dribs and drabs of the relationship prior. She listened with a keen ear and finally had her say.
“Now you need to stop this nonsense and think of yourself first. It sounds like this guy’s a little narcissistic. It’s all been about him.” She went on: “Now I know you. You’re so good at what you do because you’re so compassionate. All you ever want to do is help others and …”

I knew what she meant. Yes it’s true. I’ve always been the kind of person who puts others before myself. It’s something I’ve learned from my mom, and I know it can be a fatal flaw sometimes. In this relationship, and throughout the two weeks since the breakup, I’ve been thinking more of how he feels and what I can do to make it better. I really haven’t given it too much thought from my perspective. I haven’t defended myself enough, either to him or to myself.

Yes, there are wonderful things about this person and I still believe he could have been a really special, long-term person in my life, but…I have taken a back seat all along to his life, always troubled by what troubled him. Whenever he’d say “thank you for being there” or “I’m sorry for putting you through all of this,” I’d always respond with “don’t worry about it” or “hey, that’s what I’m here for.” It’s no wonder he ended it the way he did, via an email on Christmas Eve. I never made myself the center of our discussions when it came to us, and so he never thought of me or my life with the compassion I did for his, and it’s my own fault. I created this monster and hopefully I’ll learn from this.

I should be really angry with him for doing this to me. After all the hours spent on the phone, all the wonderful times spent together, all of the other interactions we’d had, he just cut me out like that, leaving me very little room for response. All of my responses to him have had to come via text message or email, and on more than one occasion his answer was that he was too mentally exhausted to respond. Maybe it’s his age. He’s still learning how to live, but one of the things I liked about him was that he was wise and mature beyond his years, and somehow I should have expected more compassion from him in ending our relationship. I may never know or understand the answer.

I’m not saying that I will no longer be compassionate towards a lover. Of course I will! But, from now on, I need to demand it back. I know that if our timing had been different, he would have been someone capable of giving it to me, too. I believed he was special, and I believed he could give me the love I deserve, but in the end he no longer believed it. So yes, I’m still sad, but I have a new perspective on this that will hopefully help me out in future relationships, though that won’t happen for a long, long time.

I believe that friends are the family you choose, and I’m happy for the ones I’ve chosen, no matter in what capacity they are in my life. Thanks Reet and thanks Em…I’m glad you’re in my life in some way!

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Today’s Wednesday and I’m starting to see a pattern here. As I would have suspected, my workday is a great distraction from this sadness I feel. From the moment I wake up and ready myself for school, my mind is mostly occupied with the moment to be thinking about my problems. Eventually, though, the workday ends and I find myself back in my office, trying to keep myself busy with writing projects, only to drift off into sadness once again…the sadness makes me sleepy, and lazy.

I feel so alone here. My phone hasn’t rung in days…I’ve made it clear to my friends and family that I’m not in the mood to talk. I guess it’s self-destructive behavior because I spend my nights sitting here at my pc and thinking and making myself even sadder. I’ve been doing other such self-destructive things like smoking too much, not eating, and drinking a lot of coffee. I haven’t cleaned or done anything around the house. I just don’t feel like it and I hope it goes away soon.

I miss him. I miss talking with him on the phone. It was how we communicated the most. For two months, almost every night we’d speak on the phone, if even for a little bit, and it felt good to so. Now…nothing. Usually when it gets near the time we’d usually speak, around 10-10:30 at night, I get the saddest.

I’m sure he misses me, but I don’t think it’s as much as I miss him. He ended it, after all, and I know he’s got other things on his mind besides me. Still, I’d love to be able to speak to him again. He wanted to stay friends, and maybe I should have taken him up on it, but even now I don’t know if I could deal with being just friends. So for right now I guess I’ll have to just be…

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Oh man, I am so wanting to get out of this funk, but it’s so hard! The past week and a half has been a low, low period in my life, that’s for sure. At least the past couple of days back at work have given me some time to keep my mind occupied with other things, but it’s definitely not enough.

They say when it rains it pours, and it’s been raining cats and dogs over my life lately. Being down has naturally led me to think of the other problems in my life and being at this low point just magnifies everything else. All seems so hopeless!

For the first time in my life, I actually cried myself to sleep last night. I prayed for help, but even that to me seems pointless right now. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with writing…I see it as my only way out, and even that’s a stretch, a very long one. As soon as I get home from work I’m at the pc, typing away, keeping my mind off of things, but eventually I tire out and begin to think again, just like what happens when I go dancing. Distractions never seem to stray from my mind for long these days.

At this moment I’m exhausted mentally and in no mood to discuss it further. When I came to this point in the evening last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and within a half an hour I was buzzed and praying at my bedside. I spoke to God and asked him for guidance, for help. Within minutes I found myself praying to my Aunt Vi, who died about a year and a half ago. She was always the one who wanted to take care of everybody and I was one of the apples of her eye.

I told her that I missed her and that I needed her help. I could almost hear her voice saying to me, “Don’t worry John. It’ll be alright. Aunt Vi is here.” That was when the tears started to flow. I began to sob and eventually my tears began to wane and I fell asleep, a deep yet restless sleep. I dread going to sleep tonight…it’s almost time. I’ve got to get myself together somehow.

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Today is Sunday, January 2nd, the last day of the Christmas break. The weather outside is dreary, much like my mood. I ventured into the city last night to Splash…one last night of dance therapy for me before I go back to work tomorrow. The night was much like all of the other nights I’ve gone out in the past week: I start out in a good mood, hitting the dance floor and having a great time dancing by myself. I usually attract a few people towards me, but I simply smile and move away. The dancing is all about me. As the night wears on, though, I start to think of him and I can no longer go on with the night. I leave the club for the long ride home, with nothing but my thoughts.

It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this kind of pain. I can’t help but feel so frustrated with the way it ended. If we were having problems it would have been easier to swallow, but things between the two of us were fine. I always felt like his guardian…he always said that talking to me always made him feel better, and I loved being that for him. I just feel like I’ve missed out on something that could have been very special in my life, and it’s simply not fair. Just a month ago, I was happier than I’ve been in a long time and today I’m so miserable.

When he sent me the email, he said he wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to still hang out with me, talk with me, have fun together. At the time, I couldn’t bear that possibility. I still can’t. He told me that during the time he spent with me, he was as happy as he’d ever been and that he knew that I would make him SO HAPPY if we were together. Those words are so hard for me to swallow. I know I would make him happy, I would want nothing more, but... I’m so torn inside!

On one hand I hope for a phone call or a text message, even an email saying “I miss you! I’ve been thinking. Can we talk about things?” That would make me so happy! But on the darker side of things, I know that I can’t hang on to these hopes. One of the things I’ve learned about him is that he’s stubborn and when he makes up his mind about something, he sticks to it, as he’s told me he would with this. I don’t know.

So here I sit, alone in my office, alone in my house, alone in the world. I need something to hang on to, to lift me up. I'm just waiting...The New Year has passed and there hasn’t been any communication with him at all. I try to tell myself it’s for the better, but I still wish it wasn’t so. After we broke up, I un-friended him on Facebook, but before I did I saw one last post of his…a video by a singer we both love. Robyn’s words have spoken so intimately to the both of us these past two months and unfortunately the video (see below) was the last of her songs that spoke to him. In hearing the lyrics I can understand where his mind is at, but I simply wish it weren’t so.

To be continued…

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It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written anything for this blog. To be honest, I never really quite sure knew what to do with it. At first I meant to use it as a way of showcasing my work elsewhere online, mostly my pieces at the Yahoo Contributor Network (formerly Associated Content), but once again I’m rethinking things and I believe that maybe this will be a way to weave my own personal life and the things I write. That is, I often write based on my experiences and oftentimes I have more to say than can be added to a semi-professional piece on YCN. So here goes:

For the past 9 days I’ve been very depressed. You see, a guy that I had been seeing for about two months sent me a “Dear John” email on Facebook Christmas Eve. Of course there’s a lot more to the story than I’m going to share right now, but I think I may work backwards from here.

The depression I’ve been experiencing these past few days has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. This guy was...is...a very special guy. From the moment I met him I saw a lot of signs that maybe he’d be my next big thing. Unfortunately, he’d already been going through a lot of personal issues, namely with leftover feelings from a previous relationship. Though he never admitted it until the breakup email, I kind of always knew I had been competing against a ghost and so I should have seen it coming.

Even so, I still believed that I could take care of him, make him feel better about himself and his life. It wasn’t to be. He’s a very talented artist and as such a very deep thinking person. He’s also significantly younger than I and so his mind is still experiencing life’s challenges. When he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, he had already decided that that was what he needed to do and there was nothing I could say to stop it.

Of course, considering the feelings I was developing for him, I was and still am devastated. When I got the email, I was on my way home from New York City at 2AM. I pulled over on the Long Island Expressway to read the email and I quickly responded with a reply. “Sorry” was all it said.

Of course he was still logged in as he had just sent the email and he quickly responded with a question mark. This began an hour long flurry of text messages. Emails and other texts would follow in the ensuing days and now it’s been almost 72 hours since our last contact. Though I try my hardest to rid my mind of thoughts of him, I can’t at the moment.

A little while ago, I was reading through some email correspondences we’d had during the week and I just noticed something I hadn’t seen before. In the very last email he sent to me, several days ago, all he wrote was:

You're here with me every day, in my room, on my table. I smile every time I look to my left. Thank you John.

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that…until just now. As I reread the email string, I noticed a photo attachment at the bottom, beneath what I'd written previously,and I got my answer: he’d kept three roses I had given him a few weeks back and they’re in a jar, on his desk, to his left…




To be continued…

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