Happy August! Today’s Monday, August 1st and summer is just about half over…I feel like I’ve been busier so far this summer being off than I am during the school year. I think I may just have to start looking forward to going back soon, but not just yet. There’s still some summer to do! Here are some snippets of my so-called life these past few days…



Inside the bar at Cherry's

Foot in Mouth Disease

“Wow, just when you've had it with everything, somebody does something to surprise you!”

Yep, I have it! That disease, you know the one, when you tend to say things you shouldn’t have said. I put this as my status on Facebook late Friday night and rather than take it down I just left it there. Any normal person might’ve just not even have put it there or at least removed it after they realized they shouldn’t have written it, but I admit, I’m no normal person. Besides we all make mistakes, and I don’t think that we should ever pretend that we didn’t….we just accept our actions, learn from them and move on…

A couple of friends asked what the surprise was and it’s too long a story to answer there, but I’m going to share a little of it here cause that’s just how I do. You see, for the past few months I’ve been talking to this guy, his name is Scott, online. Scott lives in Philadelphia and being that he comes to Long Island for work sometimes he was perusing guys here and found me. It’s not normally how I do things, but I’d say that I’ve spent quite a few hours chatting with him over the past few months, and though I have no idea what he looks like, I was kinda sorta liking him…a lot!

I never really put any stock into anything with him…he lives so far away, after all, but I really have been hoping to meet him one of these days and last week he told me he’d probably be coming to LI this past Friday. He’s had my number for awhile and he said he’d give me a call on Sunday and we’d take it from there. He really wanted to go to Fire Island and of course meet me finally.

Well, by Thursday I hadn’t heard from him and pretty much wrote the whole thing off. I ended up spending Friday with my new bud Ozzie and didn’t even really think about Scott, until he im’d me late Friday night. Scott was being his usual joking self, but during our conversation he was being kinda cryptic, almost to the point of making me think he was actually here on Long Island. He was asking about the ferry times and such, and I don’t know, I just had a feeling he was going to surprise me at Cherry Grove on Saturday night. Thus the FB status.

To make a long story short, Scott wasn’t here after all, at least I don’t think he was. I haven’t heard from him since that Friday night conversation and I’m back to being mentally where I was on Thursday, at least concerning him. Grrrrrrrr….

The White Party

Cherry’s on the Bay was having a White Party on Saturday night and with the whole Scott thing, I was kind of excited about going, that is, until the night actually happened. I guess there’s always a night or two where things don’t go as you would expect them to, and Saturday night sucked all the way around. Now I go there often enough that I always know people there. Even though I usually go it alone, I’m hardly ever alone while I’m there, but on Saturday there was no one I knew, not even my fellow regulars.

My friend Michael works on Fire Island and he wasn’t there. My lesbian friends had a barbecue so they weren’t there either. Even my regular buddy at Cherry Grove Pizza was off on Saturday. It was very weird. In fact the only person that I saw that I knew was my friend Paul, who I had just gone to the city with on Thursday, and even though he said hello, he pretty much ignored me all night long. It was just one of those nights!

Memories with Mac…

The only enjoyment I got out of Saturday night was hanging with an old buddy of mine. His name is Mac and he’s one of the bouncers at the Ice Palace. He’s a very large black man, kind of looks like he could’ve been a pro football player, and I’ve known him since I first came out way back in the early to mid 80’s. Back then Mac was a bouncer at Thunders, one of LI’s best-ever bars, and he used to kind of look out for me. Even he, Joe and I used to shoot the shit together all the time back in the day. Mac’s an awesome person!

Anyway, through my frustration of the night, I decided to walk over to the Ice Palace and say hi to my old buddy. We ended up chatting for a long, long time, reminiscing about the old days and catching up. I bought him a shot of SoCo, which we did together….that was always Mac’s thing….and I truly had an awesome time with my old buddy. Thanks Mac!

Sunday Night Sea Tea

Last night me and my pals Blanche and Dita went into the city to catch the Sea Tea, which is a summertime Sunday night party boat cruise in NY Harbor. We usually go a couple of times a year, but we hadn’t gone this summer until last night. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was really looking forward to it.

Now one of these days I will surely write more on the Sea Tea…there have been some really good and some really strange times there over the past few years that we’ve gone, but last night’s experience left me full from the whole experience. You see, when you go on the Sea Tea, it’s a four-hour experience that you cannot escape from if it’s not good. The crowd and the deejay always dictate how it will go, and last night the crowd was okay, some of the usual crazies and some cuties, too, but the deejay totally sucked!

Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to dance (just see today’s “Song of the Day”), and last night’s set was total house, which is okay sometimes, but to me not really for that setting. I think there were maybe three songs he played that I knew, and the versions he played were just okay. Of course I danced some anyway, but it definitely wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be. I’m starting to think I’ve had my fill of the whole thing.







Ex’s on the brain

Another part of my evening was one that I didn’t even really mention to my friends. It began on the ride to the Sea Tea and soon transformed into something entirely different later on. You see, the Sea Tea is located at the Christopher Street Pier on the West Side, and we get there by going down the FDR, around the Battery and then back up the West Side Highway. It’s much faster than simply going across town.

For the first time since January, I think, we passed by the place where ‘he’ lives, not far from the Brooklyn Bridge. I started thinking about it as soon as we hit the FDR, and of course I couldn’t help but glance over towards where he lives as we passed it. I mentioned it in the car and Blanche actually said, “Oh God, are you gonna write about this now?”

Hehe, I said I wasn’t, but here I am. It was no big deal, really. Within a few minutes, whatever thoughts that came into my brain had passed, but strangely enough that was when suddenly Joe popped into my head. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that conjures up all sorts of feelings within me. A couple of years ago, I had gone into the city with Rich and we just hung around, having dinner and then a little bar hopping, and Joe had been on my brain that day, too.

I remember on the ride home thinking about it. He and I had lived so many memories together in the city. We even talked about moving there once. I had realized during that ride home that most all of my city memories were with Joe and I was actually moved to tears about it. I felt so alone at that moment…but that was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place these days.

Still, for some reason I had Joe on the brain for most of the night last night. I pictured him smiling and dancing and laughing and joking around like he used to. When we first started going on the Sea Tea, he and I were still together, so being there was what conjured him up. I don’t really know why. I’ve been there since and it never happened before, but maybe it was just passing ‘his’ place that brought the happier memories of Joe into my brain.

Now I don’t miss being with Joe, mind you, breaking up with him was definitely the right thing for both of us, but I do miss him. He was not only my lover, but he was also my best friend for 20 years, and I just guess I get a little nostalgic every once in awhile.

Another Busy Week

Wow, when I began this blog post I really didn’t expect it to go this far. I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, with lots more plans. Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend that I’m just a little nervous about. At one time, he and I kinda sorta courted, but I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I’m pretty sure he does, so I need to be very careful with what I say and how I act tonight. He’s one of those guys that I’d love to be friends with, but I’ve always been afraid that attraction gets in the way like it does so often with guys…we’ll see!

Tomorrow’s work and then the doctor’s appointment I’m actually looking forward to, and then lunch with Laura Kim on Wednesday before she heads off to Alaska, Circus Wednesday night with Ruby, and possibly Splash on Thursday before our pal Eddie, AKA Rose, comes in for the weekend from Florida. We’re all going to the Grove together on Saturday so that’s something I’m really looking forward to and as I mentioned earlier, I may be going to see Britney in Jersey on Friday.

Well, now that I’ve given you so much reading to do, I’m going to sign off now, at least for a little while. I hope to get my “M” entry in sometime today, so be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, have a great and beautiful Monday, and as always, thanks for reading!


I Love It!
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Happy Hump Day everyone! Today has been a perfect one for me, as I am finally well rested, basking in the afterglow of a memorable concert, and getting lots of writing done in the process. After being so heavily occupied the past few days, it’s nice to be able to have time to sit down and be productive. The weather’s been crappy all day, and my allergies are acting up, so I don’t mind staying inside anyway…

Kylie

Well, last night was the Kylie Minogue concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC and it was incredible! I went with Ivan, who treated me to front row seats in the mezzanine. Though I hadn’t written about it before, the last (and first!) time I saw her was in the same venue and my friend and I had floor ‘seats’ to, which really meant that we had to stand. Therefore it was difficult to get a good view of the show, although it was a good time anyway.

This time, however, I had an unobstructed view of the entire show. They were probably the best seats I ever had for any concert and so the show was highly enjoyable. What made it more enjoyable was the company. I’ve told you before that Ivan is a huge Kylie fan, by far the biggest I know personally. He is somewhat young and has not been to many concerts before last night, and he’s never seen his “muse” live and in person.

Ivan prepared for the event choosing carefully the clothes he would wear and since we had front row seats, he had a special poster made for the occasion in the hopes the star might just see it. As the show started, his eyes filled with wonder and enthusiasm as he watched his diva do her thing on the stage. It was just as much fun to watch him enjoy the show as anything else. Unfortunately the one time he tried to hold up his poster, he was told by security staff not to do so. Other than that, though, I know he had an awesome time, as did I.

I put up a review of the show this morning on Y!CN. Check it out:

Kylie Minogue at New York’s Hammerstein Ballroom

I’m thinking of doing another piece on Examiner under my “Gay Issues” title, as it was a very gay show! Stay tuned for that, and in the meantime, here are some photos I took with my iPhone. They didn’t come out as nice as I would have liked, but some of them are decent:


'Aphrodite' the opening of the show!

Work it!

Cupid Boys!

Mmmmm...gladiators!


Kylie and her crew

Looking for an Angel

Finale

A genuine and inspiring young manIvan

I’d like to take a little time here to talk about Ivan. I first met him a couple of Saturdays ago at my favorite hangout, Splash, and he and I hit it off, so to speak, right away. We’ve gotten together a couple of times since and had fun together. He’s a genuine and inspiring young man who aspires to great things eventually. In a lot of ways he reminds me of me in that way.

Though I vaguely mentioned it earlier, I never said specifically that it was he who I inspired to start writing in his own blog, which he calls “Bruises Fade.” I am linking it here because he’s shared it on Facebook and I think he’s definitely got a good start to what promises to be the very enlightening story of his young life. So please check it out if you’d like to get to know this young man as he lives and grows.

The proverbial shoe on the other foot

Anyway, today is kind of sad when it comes to Ivan. Ever since we went out on last Saturday night (see Weekend Ups n Downs), I’ve been feeling that maybe I’ve led him into thinking that things might go along faster than I really would like them to. I’ve always had a difficult time not responding to kindness and affection with the same, and unintentionally I may have given him the wrong impression. The truth is, I’m still hurting right now and as I said in the not too distant past I don’t think I could be in another relationship with someone for awhile. I had this on my mind all last night and I couldn’t let it end without telling him so. In the process I’m afraid I’ve hurt his feelings, maybe even just a bit.

Since I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such news, I can understand what he must be feeling and I wish it weren’t so. The very last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt someone, and I only hope that we’ve known each other too short a time for him to hurt too much. Truth be told, I like Ivan a lot. He’s kind and innocent, hard working and bright eyed, very sweet, and I hope that he continues to be in my life from here on out, especially since he’s a Kylie fan, too, lol!

So in honor of last night’s show and as a big thank you to Ivan for taking me, here’s a clip of the Aussie diva covering the Eurythmics’ classic ‘There Must Be an Angel (Playing with My Heart),’ live from the Hammerstein Ballroom. Check it out:


Pick up Aphrodite here:



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Today's "Song of the Day" is a bit of a defiant rant for me. I knew since yesterday afternoon what it was going to be because of an incident that occurred. I've been thinking about going back to yesterday's post and taking back some of what I said about him, but in the spirit of my writing style and this blog, what is said is said. When I wrote it I was feeling it and if I were to write that same post today, it wouldn't include anything about him.

The last time we broke up, I wrote a post about how I was feeling at the time, and I guess I still feel that way:

"I told him that even though he tells me I’m very special, I’m simply not special enough. I wasn’t to Joe and I’m not to him."

I posted this song on Facebook that day and he responded to the post with an email telling me that I was indeed very special to him. He was just trying to make me feel better, but the email ending up having the opposite effect (and thus the reason for our total estrangement today).

The incident I refer to here from yesterday is one that I won't detail, but let's just say that from the looks of things I feel as the whole thing had no meaning, no purpose. I'm beginning to understand things better, seeing how he goes through his life and I had no control over anything from the start. I just happened to be an innocent casualty along the way. He's clearly already moved on and so now must I.

Maybe this happened for a reason, this something I stumbled upon accidentally which gave me this newfound resentment and anger. It was a kick in the pants to realize that I was right all along, to him I just wasn't special enough. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him from seeing mine, ensuring that something like this will never happen again. He probably won't even notice for along, long time, anyway. I will use my feelings now to move on and to rid myself once and for all the despair I've been experiencing since December, to put that chapter of my life behind me once and for all and move on for good.

In the meantime, I post this "Song of the Day," a classic from Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders. It's a reminder that whether or not I ever find "the one," I am indeed special, so special! Enjoy "Brass in Pocket":





Here are the lyrics to the song:

Brass in Pocket

Got brass in pocket
Got bottle I'm gonna use it
Intention I feel inventive
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Got motion restrained emotion
Been driving detroit leaning
No reason just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

[Chorus:]
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my imagination

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special so special
I gotta have some of your attention give it to me

Got rhythm I can't miss a beat
Got new skank it's so reet
Got something I'm winking at you
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

[Chorus]

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention
Give it to me
'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me

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The letter “M” is an easy one for me, at least this first time around:

M is for Madonna

I have been a Madonna fan since day one! When she first started getting played on the radio back in 1982-83, I was a young student at Fordham University in the Bronx and I was just beginning to develop my love for dance, R&B, and the then new rap music. The hot New York radio stations back in the day were KTU, Kiss FM, and WBLS, and I’d spend my days and nights getting to know the latest songs to hit the dance floors around the nation and I was loving it.



Then one day this song started being played in heavy rotation all over the place. The song was called ‘Everybody’ by a fresh new artist named Madonna and I couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as it was made available I headed on down to Crazy Eddie’s on Fordham Rd. to pick up the 12-inch single. To my dismay, the cover had not a trace of this curiously intoxicating singer’s face, only a scene of a New York street with lots of cityscape extras. At least I’d had the song all to myself to play over and over again…


Madonna - Everybody by foxysoul

Soon after ‘Everybody’ came another 12-incher: a two-sided one featuring the songs ‘Physical Attraction’ and on the B-side, ‘Burning Up.’ Of course with the release of these new songs, Madonna’s race to the top of the charts was only beginning to pick up steam. This cover featured an Andy Warhol-like paintings of Madonna a dozen times over, yet it was still hard to tell what she looked like. At first, many assumed she was African American, mostly from the vibe of her music, but on this one it was at least clear that she was white and blonde.



Not long after the second single was released, Madonna’s first full album, complete with an up-close facial portrait of the young singer on the cover, was unleashed on the world and the rest is history. Of course, to cover Madonna’s entire career from that first CD all the way to the present day would take pages upon pages of text, not any sort of project for a blog entry. But as I wrote recently on Y!CN, Diana Ross was my first diva, and I used the word “first” because once Madonna came along, it has been all about her ever since.



Check out a review of Madonna’s classic debut album by me on Y!CN right here.

Ever since that time, Madonna’s been with me through all my ups and downs, for almost 30 years now. I can associate periods in her career with the times in my life…

I remember the first time I heard ‘Like a Prayer,’ my all time favorite Madonna song, on the radio when I was working as a bank teller in Massapequa. A couple of radio jocks on Hot 103.5 radio station (now Hot 97), their names were Stevens and Gridnik, locked themselves away in the studio playing their own version of the song before its much anticipated premiere, thereby ruining its authentic debut. They played the song over and over again, and it was a very similar sound to the real one. The two were fired for the stunt.


Madonna - Like A Prayer (Live) by Schutzengerl1205

And then there was the ‘Who’s That Girl’ Tour, the one that followed the terrible movie of the same name and the one where she sported the worst hairdo of her career. It was during this tour that I first saw her in concert, with my ex, Joe (see “Remember Me”).

Joe and I were both big Madonna fans, and her music played backdrop to many memorable times during our twenty-plus years together. I remember like it was yesterday that time in Italy when the skies were dark and the wind was howling over the sea and Madonna’s ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ played in the background. It was something I always think of when I hear that song. (Check out “A Defining Post”)

Madonna even played a role in Joe and my afterlife…well, the afterlife of our breakup. About a year after our relationship ended, Madonna had gone on tour to promote her latest (and last!) CD, ‘Hard Candy.’ He, I and our friend Rich all took a ride to Jersey to see her at the Prudential Center. That proved to be another night I’ll never forget, although for different reasons. The awkwardness of our relationship at that point provided an uncomfortable backdrop to a memorable show.

There’s so much more I can say about Madonna, but that’ll be for another time. For now, take a last look at one of my favorite Madonna videos, ‘Bedtime Story’:


Madonna - Bedtime Story by matsou75

and remember...

M is for Madonna, my inspiration and my comfort...

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Happy spring everybody! It’s Monday afternoon and the first big hump of the work week is over, so I’m in a good way for a change even though I was just awakened from an after-work nap by Fuzzy. Yes, he’s back, but more about that in a minute. I’ve got a lot on my mind today and I want to get it all out…

Public Speaking...Not again!

Today was a teacher’s conference day at school, which meant the students were off so that we staff members could learn something ourselves. We usually have about three of these a year and most of the time they can be pretty arduous for teachers, with hours-long seminars on this or that tedious educational topic. I think I speak for my fellow teachers when I say I’d rather have the free time to plan for future classes.

Last week I got an email from upstairs telling me that I had been named to be a facilitator for a post-presentation discussion about “Teaching in the 21st Century.” Today’s conference day was scheduled to be a joint one with two neighboring districts and a morning presentation by a guest speaker was to be followed by an hour and a half ‘forum’ on the topic at hand. I was one of only a few people chosen for the job. I have no idea why I was chosen, but I take it as a complement.

Ever since I was a youngster, I’ve always been terrified of public speaking, and that hasn’t changed even today. People ask me how I can feel that way since I’m a teacher, and my answer is that it’s different with children for some reason. I don’t know, but whenever I’m asked to make any kind of presentation to my fellow teachers, I’m always nervous about it, to the point where it consumes my mind in the hours leading up to it. Yet once I get up there in front of everybody, I do okay. Today was no exception.



As we sat through the morning speaker, I diligently took notes so that I could be better prepared to lead the discussion, and when it was over we all had to report to our assigned classrooms for our forum. My stomach was in knots and my hands were sweaty as people poured into the room. I can’t say for sure, but I think I had one of the larger groups, about 20-25 people. Just before I needed to start, I went out into the hallway and typed “Why me?” on to my Facebook page.

I then returned to the room and like magic I was on. I had three questions to pose to the group in an hour and a half’s time, and in the end I think I handled it pretty well. It just goes to show you that the more you do it, the better you get at it. As the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect” and I just need to remember that the next time I’m asked to speak in public. Those pre-speaking jitters can be terrible!

I can commiserate



After the morning sessions it was time for lunch and I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with several of my coworkers. We were all given the afternoon to catch up on some work and four of us decided to do it together, which was nice. A teacher’s job can be lonely sometimes, with students all day and nary a moment to spend with adult conversation. The four of us had a nice afternoon together until right before it was time to leave.

One of my coworkers, a special ed teacher who’s in her mid-twenties, suddenly burst into tears at the table in the back of my room. Though it hadn’t been talked about, we all knew that the guy she’d been seeing since October ended their relationship last night. She’d been texting on and off all day, presumably with him, and I guess the last one was the one that caused her to burst out in tears.

I don’t know all of the details. It was none of my business and even knowing only reminded me of my own situation from recent months. From what I gather, the dude had nothing against her, but he just didn’t want to be in a relationship. Sound familiar?

On the way home this friend sent me a text apologizing for her outburst. She didn’t have to. I know exactly what she’s going through. My car pool buddy said that she hoped that she’ll learn from this relationship when she goes into the next one and when she said that, a feeling of dread came over me. I thought about the phrase ‘next relationship’ with dismay. I don’t even want to think about ‘next relationships.’

Who am I kidding? I really, really hate to admit it, but my relationship/breakup really knocked me for a loop. I don’t like what I’ve become in the weeks since it ended for good and I can’t help but still miss the bastard. Though I hadn’t been looking for a relationship before I met him, I realized from my time with him that a relationship is something I ultimately seek. Unfortunately, this experience has caused me to retreat backwards to a point where I think to myself whether it’ll ever be worth the price that I’ve paid here to ever try again. Who knows?

I just came across an article by a good writer friend of mine, Michele Starkey. She just had to put her beloved dog, Brownie, to sleep and she constructed her piece around a quote by Queen Elizabeth. The quote went: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” As I read the piece, I hearkened back to when I had to do the same with our cat Spike back in 2007, and all of the grief that came with it. I also related it to my current state and realize that I am still grieving because I loved, and so now is my friend.

I left a comment for Michele that I agreed with the quote, and I told her that in most cases going through the grief is worth the love. I’m still struggling with that one!

Hang in there Michele and my friend “K,” and so will I.

Here’s Michele’s piece:

The Price We Pay for Love

Hmmm, I just don’t know…Am I too shallow?

A few weeks back I posted here that a friend of mine wanted to set me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring district. About midway through the morning, I realized that his district was one of the ones we shared with today and that he was probably in the building. I immediately became nervous and when I mentioned it to another friend, she knew who he was and pointed him out to me. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. During the presentation, my friend texted me to say that she should have introduced us. I’m glad she hadn’t remembered to.

A little over two years ago, I started a series on Y!CN called “Gay Man’s Single Files.” In the first installment (check it out here), I spoke about how physical attraction is one of the first important aspects of a relationship. Without it, there usually can be no beginning. I lamented that many guys my age just don’t take care of themselves and the ones that do don’t want me. They want younger!

I work hard to keep in shape and maintain a healthy looking appearance and so I only expect the same from someone I’d consider dating. I have few objections to dating guys of any age, as long as I’m attracted to them. As things would have it, to date I’ve dated mostly younger guys, too, for that very reason since I’ve been single. I guess I’ve become one of those guys I complained about in my piece.

If this notion makes me a shallow person, then so be it. It may make me perennially single, but why should I settle for someone I’m not attracted to? My friends say I’m too picky, but at least when I’m with someone, it’s always someone who I’m interested in, so I see nothing wrong with that. This may turn out to be a sticky situation with my friend, but I will tell her directly when I get the chance. Hopefully she won’t read this before then, but in case she does, I want to say thanks for trying…


Eeww!

Now that's more like it!

Uh oh, Fuzzy's back!

As I mentioned earlier, I was taking a power nap after work when I was suddenly awakened by my cell phone ringing. I picked it up to see who was calling and it was him! Needless to say, I was jolted into awareness. I ran to my front window to see if he was outside. Nothing! Then for some reason I decided to peer out further, checking the sides of my property and there he was sitting in his red car to the right of my driveway.

He hadn’t gotten out of his car this time, otherwise I would’ve called the police. A couple of minutes after the phone stopped ringing, he pulled away. I thought it was over with, but obviously there’s definitely something wrong with this dude. I don’t get it and now suddenly I’m a little frightened again. Just what I needed!

Thanks again for reading! Here’s a video to capture how I’m feeling at the moment. Some of you may remember this one by Michael Jackson protégé Rockwell…Enjoy, and I’ll catch you next time!

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As I began to write yesterday’s entry, already things in my life were changing. I began writing sometime early in the morning and never quite got back to it until today. There was so much I wanted to say in it, but the distractions of the day pulled me away from it until this morning. You see, as I wrote my daily blog, he was sleeping here in my house.

I had spoken with him a couple of times early in the day on Saturday. After I’d left him early that morning, he fell asleep and woke up with a bad sore throat and a case of pink eye. Of course I was concerned for him. I’ve seen him sick before and I know his own habits, like lack of sleep, do not help him get better quickly. I put it in my mind that maybe he’d be cancelling our Sunday together and went about my day, disappointed, but okay with it.

Just before I left for my evening engagements (I had a birthday party to go to after my friend’s), I heard from him. He’d been feeling better as the day wore on and had made plans for the evening with his friends. I told him that I was going clubbing, but I wasn’t sure whether I was going to the city or not. He told me to give him a call if I was in the city, when I was leaving the club. I kind of knew that that meant if that were the case, he’d probably be coming home with me.

With all of the things that happened during the evening, I was preoccupied with upsetting thoughts of my own life, and for the first time in weeks they had nothing to do with him. I ended up going into the city, of course with the hope that I would at least see him for a bit afterwards, but not really expecting him to come home with me. As I drove in towards the city I tried to put it in my mind that maybe I wasn’t ready to spend time with him at home just yet anyway, and so I wasn’t going to push for it. I’d let things happen as they happened and be okay with it either way. Besides, I figured it would be a sign of strength and healing if I cancelled Sunday, even though I was hoping to get to see him.

I hadn’t contacted him throughout the evening as we had said we would keep in contact. I assumed he was with his friends and I didn’t want to disturb him or make him think I was too eager to bring him home. I waited until I was ready to leave the club before contacting him.

As it turned out, he was home when I texted him. He’d had an argument with one of his friends and ended up staying home for the night. He asked me how my night was and I told him that it was good, which it was. I told him I’d met someone on the dance floor who’d rescued me from another unwanted pursuer, which is true. The guy was a cutie, but of course at the moment I’m not looking to connect with anyone. His response to that was one of happiness.

“Oh, what’s his name?”

I played along, giving more details on the encounter. His seeming indifference towards any type of jealousy disappointed me. I mean, I would still think that he’d be somewhat unhappy to think that I’d met someone so soon after him, but he showed no signs. That pushed me to become resolute when he asked if I was going to come down to get him. I told him that I had a lot of things to do on Sunday and that maybe it would be better for us to just postpone it for a bit, especially since he was sick.

A couple of minutes after we hung up, he texted me a sad face. When I asked him what that meant, he finally told me that what I had told him about the guy in the club made him sad. It was really what I had wanted to hear before and it gave me reassurance. At that moment I just wanted to go to him.

I told him that I was coming down, and despite his protests to the contrary, that’s just what I did. At first I told him that I’d come to see him for a bit, but in reality I was hoping that he’d come home with me. I guess it’s part of those stupid games we play when we’re courting someone, I dunno. He came down to my car and we chatted for a bit before I finally convinced him to go upstairs and pack a bag.

It’s now Monday morning and he’ still here, sleeping off another restless night.
Of course, there’s so much more I could say about the past day and a half, but some things are better left private. I just know that it’s been wonderful and I think that maybe this whole new dimension of our relationship just might be a good thing. I’ve learned that even through all that’s happened since Christmas Eve, he still has some sort of feelings for me and that makes me happy, regardless of our situation. I’m realizing that he’s broken off our relationship so that he can heal himself, but as he told me before, he doesn’t necessarily want to push me away either. It’s a concept I hadn’t considered in this way.

So we enter a whole new realm. I really have no idea where it will take us, but I feel happy knowing that he’s going to remain in my life somehow, in some way. I have to be grateful for getting some sunshine back into my life after seemingly endless days of darkness, and live to enjoy the moments I do get for the time being. We’ll see…

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Oh man, I am so wanting to get out of this funk, but it’s so hard! The past week and a half has been a low, low period in my life, that’s for sure. At least the past couple of days back at work have given me some time to keep my mind occupied with other things, but it’s definitely not enough.

They say when it rains it pours, and it’s been raining cats and dogs over my life lately. Being down has naturally led me to think of the other problems in my life and being at this low point just magnifies everything else. All seems so hopeless!

For the first time in my life, I actually cried myself to sleep last night. I prayed for help, but even that to me seems pointless right now. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with writing…I see it as my only way out, and even that’s a stretch, a very long one. As soon as I get home from work I’m at the pc, typing away, keeping my mind off of things, but eventually I tire out and begin to think again, just like what happens when I go dancing. Distractions never seem to stray from my mind for long these days.

At this moment I’m exhausted mentally and in no mood to discuss it further. When I came to this point in the evening last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and within a half an hour I was buzzed and praying at my bedside. I spoke to God and asked him for guidance, for help. Within minutes I found myself praying to my Aunt Vi, who died about a year and a half ago. She was always the one who wanted to take care of everybody and I was one of the apples of her eye.

I told her that I missed her and that I needed her help. I could almost hear her voice saying to me, “Don’t worry John. It’ll be alright. Aunt Vi is here.” That was when the tears started to flow. I began to sob and eventually my tears began to wane and I fell asleep, a deep yet restless sleep. I dread going to sleep tonight…it’s almost time. I’ve got to get myself together somehow.

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Today is Sunday, January 2nd, the last day of the Christmas break. The weather outside is dreary, much like my mood. I ventured into the city last night to Splash…one last night of dance therapy for me before I go back to work tomorrow. The night was much like all of the other nights I’ve gone out in the past week: I start out in a good mood, hitting the dance floor and having a great time dancing by myself. I usually attract a few people towards me, but I simply smile and move away. The dancing is all about me. As the night wears on, though, I start to think of him and I can no longer go on with the night. I leave the club for the long ride home, with nothing but my thoughts.

It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this kind of pain. I can’t help but feel so frustrated with the way it ended. If we were having problems it would have been easier to swallow, but things between the two of us were fine. I always felt like his guardian…he always said that talking to me always made him feel better, and I loved being that for him. I just feel like I’ve missed out on something that could have been very special in my life, and it’s simply not fair. Just a month ago, I was happier than I’ve been in a long time and today I’m so miserable.

When he sent me the email, he said he wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to still hang out with me, talk with me, have fun together. At the time, I couldn’t bear that possibility. I still can’t. He told me that during the time he spent with me, he was as happy as he’d ever been and that he knew that I would make him SO HAPPY if we were together. Those words are so hard for me to swallow. I know I would make him happy, I would want nothing more, but... I’m so torn inside!

On one hand I hope for a phone call or a text message, even an email saying “I miss you! I’ve been thinking. Can we talk about things?” That would make me so happy! But on the darker side of things, I know that I can’t hang on to these hopes. One of the things I’ve learned about him is that he’s stubborn and when he makes up his mind about something, he sticks to it, as he’s told me he would with this. I don’t know.

So here I sit, alone in my office, alone in my house, alone in the world. I need something to hang on to, to lift me up. I'm just waiting...The New Year has passed and there hasn’t been any communication with him at all. I try to tell myself it’s for the better, but I still wish it wasn’t so. After we broke up, I un-friended him on Facebook, but before I did I saw one last post of his…a video by a singer we both love. Robyn’s words have spoken so intimately to the both of us these past two months and unfortunately the video (see below) was the last of her songs that spoke to him. In hearing the lyrics I can understand where his mind is at, but I simply wish it weren’t so.

To be continued…

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It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written anything for this blog. To be honest, I never really quite sure knew what to do with it. At first I meant to use it as a way of showcasing my work elsewhere online, mostly my pieces at the Yahoo Contributor Network (formerly Associated Content), but once again I’m rethinking things and I believe that maybe this will be a way to weave my own personal life and the things I write. That is, I often write based on my experiences and oftentimes I have more to say than can be added to a semi-professional piece on YCN. So here goes:

For the past 9 days I’ve been very depressed. You see, a guy that I had been seeing for about two months sent me a “Dear John” email on Facebook Christmas Eve. Of course there’s a lot more to the story than I’m going to share right now, but I think I may work backwards from here.

The depression I’ve been experiencing these past few days has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. This guy was...is...a very special guy. From the moment I met him I saw a lot of signs that maybe he’d be my next big thing. Unfortunately, he’d already been going through a lot of personal issues, namely with leftover feelings from a previous relationship. Though he never admitted it until the breakup email, I kind of always knew I had been competing against a ghost and so I should have seen it coming.

Even so, I still believed that I could take care of him, make him feel better about himself and his life. It wasn’t to be. He’s a very talented artist and as such a very deep thinking person. He’s also significantly younger than I and so his mind is still experiencing life’s challenges. When he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, he had already decided that that was what he needed to do and there was nothing I could say to stop it.

Of course, considering the feelings I was developing for him, I was and still am devastated. When I got the email, I was on my way home from New York City at 2AM. I pulled over on the Long Island Expressway to read the email and I quickly responded with a reply. “Sorry” was all it said.

Of course he was still logged in as he had just sent the email and he quickly responded with a question mark. This began an hour long flurry of text messages. Emails and other texts would follow in the ensuing days and now it’s been almost 72 hours since our last contact. Though I try my hardest to rid my mind of thoughts of him, I can’t at the moment.

A little while ago, I was reading through some email correspondences we’d had during the week and I just noticed something I hadn’t seen before. In the very last email he sent to me, several days ago, all he wrote was:

You're here with me every day, in my room, on my table. I smile every time I look to my left. Thank you John.

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that…until just now. As I reread the email string, I noticed a photo attachment at the bottom, beneath what I'd written previously,and I got my answer: he’d kept three roses I had given him a few weeks back and they’re in a jar, on his desk, to his left…




To be continued…

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