Happy August! Today’s Monday, August 1st and summer is just about half over…I feel like I’ve been busier so far this summer being off than I am during the school year. I think I may just have to start looking forward to going back soon, but not just yet. There’s still some summer to do! Here are some snippets of my so-called life these past few days…



Inside the bar at Cherry's

Foot in Mouth Disease

“Wow, just when you've had it with everything, somebody does something to surprise you!”

Yep, I have it! That disease, you know the one, when you tend to say things you shouldn’t have said. I put this as my status on Facebook late Friday night and rather than take it down I just left it there. Any normal person might’ve just not even have put it there or at least removed it after they realized they shouldn’t have written it, but I admit, I’m no normal person. Besides we all make mistakes, and I don’t think that we should ever pretend that we didn’t….we just accept our actions, learn from them and move on…

A couple of friends asked what the surprise was and it’s too long a story to answer there, but I’m going to share a little of it here cause that’s just how I do. You see, for the past few months I’ve been talking to this guy, his name is Scott, online. Scott lives in Philadelphia and being that he comes to Long Island for work sometimes he was perusing guys here and found me. It’s not normally how I do things, but I’d say that I’ve spent quite a few hours chatting with him over the past few months, and though I have no idea what he looks like, I was kinda sorta liking him…a lot!

I never really put any stock into anything with him…he lives so far away, after all, but I really have been hoping to meet him one of these days and last week he told me he’d probably be coming to LI this past Friday. He’s had my number for awhile and he said he’d give me a call on Sunday and we’d take it from there. He really wanted to go to Fire Island and of course meet me finally.

Well, by Thursday I hadn’t heard from him and pretty much wrote the whole thing off. I ended up spending Friday with my new bud Ozzie and didn’t even really think about Scott, until he im’d me late Friday night. Scott was being his usual joking self, but during our conversation he was being kinda cryptic, almost to the point of making me think he was actually here on Long Island. He was asking about the ferry times and such, and I don’t know, I just had a feeling he was going to surprise me at Cherry Grove on Saturday night. Thus the FB status.

To make a long story short, Scott wasn’t here after all, at least I don’t think he was. I haven’t heard from him since that Friday night conversation and I’m back to being mentally where I was on Thursday, at least concerning him. Grrrrrrrr….

The White Party

Cherry’s on the Bay was having a White Party on Saturday night and with the whole Scott thing, I was kind of excited about going, that is, until the night actually happened. I guess there’s always a night or two where things don’t go as you would expect them to, and Saturday night sucked all the way around. Now I go there often enough that I always know people there. Even though I usually go it alone, I’m hardly ever alone while I’m there, but on Saturday there was no one I knew, not even my fellow regulars.

My friend Michael works on Fire Island and he wasn’t there. My lesbian friends had a barbecue so they weren’t there either. Even my regular buddy at Cherry Grove Pizza was off on Saturday. It was very weird. In fact the only person that I saw that I knew was my friend Paul, who I had just gone to the city with on Thursday, and even though he said hello, he pretty much ignored me all night long. It was just one of those nights!

Memories with Mac…

The only enjoyment I got out of Saturday night was hanging with an old buddy of mine. His name is Mac and he’s one of the bouncers at the Ice Palace. He’s a very large black man, kind of looks like he could’ve been a pro football player, and I’ve known him since I first came out way back in the early to mid 80’s. Back then Mac was a bouncer at Thunders, one of LI’s best-ever bars, and he used to kind of look out for me. Even he, Joe and I used to shoot the shit together all the time back in the day. Mac’s an awesome person!

Anyway, through my frustration of the night, I decided to walk over to the Ice Palace and say hi to my old buddy. We ended up chatting for a long, long time, reminiscing about the old days and catching up. I bought him a shot of SoCo, which we did together….that was always Mac’s thing….and I truly had an awesome time with my old buddy. Thanks Mac!

Sunday Night Sea Tea

Last night me and my pals Blanche and Dita went into the city to catch the Sea Tea, which is a summertime Sunday night party boat cruise in NY Harbor. We usually go a couple of times a year, but we hadn’t gone this summer until last night. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was really looking forward to it.

Now one of these days I will surely write more on the Sea Tea…there have been some really good and some really strange times there over the past few years that we’ve gone, but last night’s experience left me full from the whole experience. You see, when you go on the Sea Tea, it’s a four-hour experience that you cannot escape from if it’s not good. The crowd and the deejay always dictate how it will go, and last night the crowd was okay, some of the usual crazies and some cuties, too, but the deejay totally sucked!

Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to dance (just see today’s “Song of the Day”), and last night’s set was total house, which is okay sometimes, but to me not really for that setting. I think there were maybe three songs he played that I knew, and the versions he played were just okay. Of course I danced some anyway, but it definitely wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be. I’m starting to think I’ve had my fill of the whole thing.







Ex’s on the brain

Another part of my evening was one that I didn’t even really mention to my friends. It began on the ride to the Sea Tea and soon transformed into something entirely different later on. You see, the Sea Tea is located at the Christopher Street Pier on the West Side, and we get there by going down the FDR, around the Battery and then back up the West Side Highway. It’s much faster than simply going across town.

For the first time since January, I think, we passed by the place where ‘he’ lives, not far from the Brooklyn Bridge. I started thinking about it as soon as we hit the FDR, and of course I couldn’t help but glance over towards where he lives as we passed it. I mentioned it in the car and Blanche actually said, “Oh God, are you gonna write about this now?”

Hehe, I said I wasn’t, but here I am. It was no big deal, really. Within a few minutes, whatever thoughts that came into my brain had passed, but strangely enough that was when suddenly Joe popped into my head. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that conjures up all sorts of feelings within me. A couple of years ago, I had gone into the city with Rich and we just hung around, having dinner and then a little bar hopping, and Joe had been on my brain that day, too.

I remember on the ride home thinking about it. He and I had lived so many memories together in the city. We even talked about moving there once. I had realized during that ride home that most all of my city memories were with Joe and I was actually moved to tears about it. I felt so alone at that moment…but that was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place these days.

Still, for some reason I had Joe on the brain for most of the night last night. I pictured him smiling and dancing and laughing and joking around like he used to. When we first started going on the Sea Tea, he and I were still together, so being there was what conjured him up. I don’t really know why. I’ve been there since and it never happened before, but maybe it was just passing ‘his’ place that brought the happier memories of Joe into my brain.

Now I don’t miss being with Joe, mind you, breaking up with him was definitely the right thing for both of us, but I do miss him. He was not only my lover, but he was also my best friend for 20 years, and I just guess I get a little nostalgic every once in awhile.

Another Busy Week

Wow, when I began this blog post I really didn’t expect it to go this far. I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, with lots more plans. Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend that I’m just a little nervous about. At one time, he and I kinda sorta courted, but I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I’m pretty sure he does, so I need to be very careful with what I say and how I act tonight. He’s one of those guys that I’d love to be friends with, but I’ve always been afraid that attraction gets in the way like it does so often with guys…we’ll see!

Tomorrow’s work and then the doctor’s appointment I’m actually looking forward to, and then lunch with Laura Kim on Wednesday before she heads off to Alaska, Circus Wednesday night with Ruby, and possibly Splash on Thursday before our pal Eddie, AKA Rose, comes in for the weekend from Florida. We’re all going to the Grove together on Saturday so that’s something I’m really looking forward to and as I mentioned earlier, I may be going to see Britney in Jersey on Friday.

Well, now that I’ve given you so much reading to do, I’m going to sign off now, at least for a little while. I hope to get my “M” entry in sometime today, so be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, have a great and beautiful Monday, and as always, thanks for reading!


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Today's "Song of the Day" is a bit of a defiant rant for me. I knew since yesterday afternoon what it was going to be because of an incident that occurred. I've been thinking about going back to yesterday's post and taking back some of what I said about him, but in the spirit of my writing style and this blog, what is said is said. When I wrote it I was feeling it and if I were to write that same post today, it wouldn't include anything about him.

The last time we broke up, I wrote a post about how I was feeling at the time, and I guess I still feel that way:

"I told him that even though he tells me I’m very special, I’m simply not special enough. I wasn’t to Joe and I’m not to him."

I posted this song on Facebook that day and he responded to the post with an email telling me that I was indeed very special to him. He was just trying to make me feel better, but the email ending up having the opposite effect (and thus the reason for our total estrangement today).

The incident I refer to here from yesterday is one that I won't detail, but let's just say that from the looks of things I feel as the whole thing had no meaning, no purpose. I'm beginning to understand things better, seeing how he goes through his life and I had no control over anything from the start. I just happened to be an innocent casualty along the way. He's clearly already moved on and so now must I.

Maybe this happened for a reason, this something I stumbled upon accidentally which gave me this newfound resentment and anger. It was a kick in the pants to realize that I was right all along, to him I just wasn't special enough. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him from seeing mine, ensuring that something like this will never happen again. He probably won't even notice for along, long time, anyway. I will use my feelings now to move on and to rid myself once and for all the despair I've been experiencing since December, to put that chapter of my life behind me once and for all and move on for good.

In the meantime, I post this "Song of the Day," a classic from Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders. It's a reminder that whether or not I ever find "the one," I am indeed special, so special! Enjoy "Brass in Pocket":





Here are the lyrics to the song:

Brass in Pocket

Got brass in pocket
Got bottle I'm gonna use it
Intention I feel inventive
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Got motion restrained emotion
Been driving detroit leaning
No reason just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

[Chorus:]
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my imagination

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special so special
I gotta have some of your attention give it to me

Got rhythm I can't miss a beat
Got new skank it's so reet
Got something I'm winking at you
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

[Chorus]

'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention
Give it to me
'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention

Give it to me

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The letter “M” is an easy one for me, at least this first time around:

M is for Madonna

I have been a Madonna fan since day one! When she first started getting played on the radio back in 1982-83, I was a young student at Fordham University in the Bronx and I was just beginning to develop my love for dance, R&B, and the then new rap music. The hot New York radio stations back in the day were KTU, Kiss FM, and WBLS, and I’d spend my days and nights getting to know the latest songs to hit the dance floors around the nation and I was loving it.



Then one day this song started being played in heavy rotation all over the place. The song was called ‘Everybody’ by a fresh new artist named Madonna and I couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as it was made available I headed on down to Crazy Eddie’s on Fordham Rd. to pick up the 12-inch single. To my dismay, the cover had not a trace of this curiously intoxicating singer’s face, only a scene of a New York street with lots of cityscape extras. At least I’d had the song all to myself to play over and over again…


Madonna - Everybody by foxysoul

Soon after ‘Everybody’ came another 12-incher: a two-sided one featuring the songs ‘Physical Attraction’ and on the B-side, ‘Burning Up.’ Of course with the release of these new songs, Madonna’s race to the top of the charts was only beginning to pick up steam. This cover featured an Andy Warhol-like paintings of Madonna a dozen times over, yet it was still hard to tell what she looked like. At first, many assumed she was African American, mostly from the vibe of her music, but on this one it was at least clear that she was white and blonde.



Not long after the second single was released, Madonna’s first full album, complete with an up-close facial portrait of the young singer on the cover, was unleashed on the world and the rest is history. Of course, to cover Madonna’s entire career from that first CD all the way to the present day would take pages upon pages of text, not any sort of project for a blog entry. But as I wrote recently on Y!CN, Diana Ross was my first diva, and I used the word “first” because once Madonna came along, it has been all about her ever since.



Check out a review of Madonna’s classic debut album by me on Y!CN right here.

Ever since that time, Madonna’s been with me through all my ups and downs, for almost 30 years now. I can associate periods in her career with the times in my life…

I remember the first time I heard ‘Like a Prayer,’ my all time favorite Madonna song, on the radio when I was working as a bank teller in Massapequa. A couple of radio jocks on Hot 103.5 radio station (now Hot 97), their names were Stevens and Gridnik, locked themselves away in the studio playing their own version of the song before its much anticipated premiere, thereby ruining its authentic debut. They played the song over and over again, and it was a very similar sound to the real one. The two were fired for the stunt.


Madonna - Like A Prayer (Live) by Schutzengerl1205

And then there was the ‘Who’s That Girl’ Tour, the one that followed the terrible movie of the same name and the one where she sported the worst hairdo of her career. It was during this tour that I first saw her in concert, with my ex, Joe (see “Remember Me”).

Joe and I were both big Madonna fans, and her music played backdrop to many memorable times during our twenty-plus years together. I remember like it was yesterday that time in Italy when the skies were dark and the wind was howling over the sea and Madonna’s ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ played in the background. It was something I always think of when I hear that song. (Check out “A Defining Post”)

Madonna even played a role in Joe and my afterlife…well, the afterlife of our breakup. About a year after our relationship ended, Madonna had gone on tour to promote her latest (and last!) CD, ‘Hard Candy.’ He, I and our friend Rich all took a ride to Jersey to see her at the Prudential Center. That proved to be another night I’ll never forget, although for different reasons. The awkwardness of our relationship at that point provided an uncomfortable backdrop to a memorable show.

There’s so much more I can say about Madonna, but that’ll be for another time. For now, take a last look at one of my favorite Madonna videos, ‘Bedtime Story’:


Madonna - Bedtime Story by matsou75

and remember...

M is for Madonna, my inspiration and my comfort...

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Happy spring everybody! It’s Monday afternoon and the first big hump of the work week is over, so I’m in a good way for a change even though I was just awakened from an after-work nap by Fuzzy. Yes, he’s back, but more about that in a minute. I’ve got a lot on my mind today and I want to get it all out…

Public Speaking...Not again!

Today was a teacher’s conference day at school, which meant the students were off so that we staff members could learn something ourselves. We usually have about three of these a year and most of the time they can be pretty arduous for teachers, with hours-long seminars on this or that tedious educational topic. I think I speak for my fellow teachers when I say I’d rather have the free time to plan for future classes.

Last week I got an email from upstairs telling me that I had been named to be a facilitator for a post-presentation discussion about “Teaching in the 21st Century.” Today’s conference day was scheduled to be a joint one with two neighboring districts and a morning presentation by a guest speaker was to be followed by an hour and a half ‘forum’ on the topic at hand. I was one of only a few people chosen for the job. I have no idea why I was chosen, but I take it as a complement.

Ever since I was a youngster, I’ve always been terrified of public speaking, and that hasn’t changed even today. People ask me how I can feel that way since I’m a teacher, and my answer is that it’s different with children for some reason. I don’t know, but whenever I’m asked to make any kind of presentation to my fellow teachers, I’m always nervous about it, to the point where it consumes my mind in the hours leading up to it. Yet once I get up there in front of everybody, I do okay. Today was no exception.



As we sat through the morning speaker, I diligently took notes so that I could be better prepared to lead the discussion, and when it was over we all had to report to our assigned classrooms for our forum. My stomach was in knots and my hands were sweaty as people poured into the room. I can’t say for sure, but I think I had one of the larger groups, about 20-25 people. Just before I needed to start, I went out into the hallway and typed “Why me?” on to my Facebook page.

I then returned to the room and like magic I was on. I had three questions to pose to the group in an hour and a half’s time, and in the end I think I handled it pretty well. It just goes to show you that the more you do it, the better you get at it. As the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect” and I just need to remember that the next time I’m asked to speak in public. Those pre-speaking jitters can be terrible!

I can commiserate



After the morning sessions it was time for lunch and I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with several of my coworkers. We were all given the afternoon to catch up on some work and four of us decided to do it together, which was nice. A teacher’s job can be lonely sometimes, with students all day and nary a moment to spend with adult conversation. The four of us had a nice afternoon together until right before it was time to leave.

One of my coworkers, a special ed teacher who’s in her mid-twenties, suddenly burst into tears at the table in the back of my room. Though it hadn’t been talked about, we all knew that the guy she’d been seeing since October ended their relationship last night. She’d been texting on and off all day, presumably with him, and I guess the last one was the one that caused her to burst out in tears.

I don’t know all of the details. It was none of my business and even knowing only reminded me of my own situation from recent months. From what I gather, the dude had nothing against her, but he just didn’t want to be in a relationship. Sound familiar?

On the way home this friend sent me a text apologizing for her outburst. She didn’t have to. I know exactly what she’s going through. My car pool buddy said that she hoped that she’ll learn from this relationship when she goes into the next one and when she said that, a feeling of dread came over me. I thought about the phrase ‘next relationship’ with dismay. I don’t even want to think about ‘next relationships.’

Who am I kidding? I really, really hate to admit it, but my relationship/breakup really knocked me for a loop. I don’t like what I’ve become in the weeks since it ended for good and I can’t help but still miss the bastard. Though I hadn’t been looking for a relationship before I met him, I realized from my time with him that a relationship is something I ultimately seek. Unfortunately, this experience has caused me to retreat backwards to a point where I think to myself whether it’ll ever be worth the price that I’ve paid here to ever try again. Who knows?

I just came across an article by a good writer friend of mine, Michele Starkey. She just had to put her beloved dog, Brownie, to sleep and she constructed her piece around a quote by Queen Elizabeth. The quote went: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” As I read the piece, I hearkened back to when I had to do the same with our cat Spike back in 2007, and all of the grief that came with it. I also related it to my current state and realize that I am still grieving because I loved, and so now is my friend.

I left a comment for Michele that I agreed with the quote, and I told her that in most cases going through the grief is worth the love. I’m still struggling with that one!

Hang in there Michele and my friend “K,” and so will I.

Here’s Michele’s piece:

The Price We Pay for Love

Hmmm, I just don’t know…Am I too shallow?

A few weeks back I posted here that a friend of mine wanted to set me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring district. About midway through the morning, I realized that his district was one of the ones we shared with today and that he was probably in the building. I immediately became nervous and when I mentioned it to another friend, she knew who he was and pointed him out to me. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. During the presentation, my friend texted me to say that she should have introduced us. I’m glad she hadn’t remembered to.

A little over two years ago, I started a series on Y!CN called “Gay Man’s Single Files.” In the first installment (check it out here), I spoke about how physical attraction is one of the first important aspects of a relationship. Without it, there usually can be no beginning. I lamented that many guys my age just don’t take care of themselves and the ones that do don’t want me. They want younger!

I work hard to keep in shape and maintain a healthy looking appearance and so I only expect the same from someone I’d consider dating. I have few objections to dating guys of any age, as long as I’m attracted to them. As things would have it, to date I’ve dated mostly younger guys, too, for that very reason since I’ve been single. I guess I’ve become one of those guys I complained about in my piece.

If this notion makes me a shallow person, then so be it. It may make me perennially single, but why should I settle for someone I’m not attracted to? My friends say I’m too picky, but at least when I’m with someone, it’s always someone who I’m interested in, so I see nothing wrong with that. This may turn out to be a sticky situation with my friend, but I will tell her directly when I get the chance. Hopefully she won’t read this before then, but in case she does, I want to say thanks for trying…


Eeww!

Now that's more like it!

Uh oh, Fuzzy's back!

As I mentioned earlier, I was taking a power nap after work when I was suddenly awakened by my cell phone ringing. I picked it up to see who was calling and it was him! Needless to say, I was jolted into awareness. I ran to my front window to see if he was outside. Nothing! Then for some reason I decided to peer out further, checking the sides of my property and there he was sitting in his red car to the right of my driveway.

He hadn’t gotten out of his car this time, otherwise I would’ve called the police. A couple of minutes after the phone stopped ringing, he pulled away. I thought it was over with, but obviously there’s definitely something wrong with this dude. I don’t get it and now suddenly I’m a little frightened again. Just what I needed!

Thanks again for reading! Here’s a video to capture how I’m feeling at the moment. Some of you may remember this one by Michael Jackson protégé Rockwell…Enjoy, and I’ll catch you next time!

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Happy Thursday! Thankfully, Friday’s up next AND it’s a payday so I will definitely be doing the happy dance at this time tomorrow. Today was a short day for me, and luckily my periodontal cleaning wasn’t too bad, so I’m not the painful mess I expected to be. Here’s what’s happening in my so called life:

The stalker is back!



A couple of hours ago I had a very scary experience. A guy that I had met in November of 2009, Fuzzy Drew, had become a little stalkerish. I’d met him online in a chat room and we agreed to meet up one day. When I found out he had a long term boyfriend, I wanted nothing to do with him and I told him so. He didn’t seem to care, for he began making surprise visits to my house every now and again, scaring the living bejeezus out of me a couple of times. I finally told him that I had a boyfriend and thankfully he left me alone, that is, until now.

About a month ago, I was shoveling my driveway on a snow day and a car suddenly pulled up. I had thrown some old trash out by the garbage in front and I just assumed it was someone who wanted to pick through my junk. When he slowed down in front of my driveway, I was horrified to see that it was him, my stalker! We exchanged a couple of “how ya doing’s?” and I quickly turned and went inside as he pulled away. Uh oh!

I had forgotten about him until around 4 o’clock today. I was in my office, working on a piece, when my cell phone rang. I got up to see who was calling and to my horror his name was on the screen! Of course I wasn’t going to pick it up, but then as I returned to my office I saw out the window that his car was out in front of my house and he was calling me from my front stoop. Thankfully I keep my front door locked, otherwise who knows what might have happened? I laid low for a few minutes and watched out the window until he finally left! Phew! Now I’m officially scared…

Yahoo! Contributor Network’s New Featured Contributor Program

I’ve been a Featured Music Contributor on Y!CN for over a year now. The title has given me 3 paid assignments per month and a chance to be featured for all of my music articles. The job has definitely geared my writing more towards music and I enjoy doing those pieces. With the new year, Y!CN is making big changes and one of them is to this program. They announced recently that they would be doing away with the old program and instituting a newer, better one. March will be the last month for the old program and everyone has to reapply for the new positions.

Today, the application process began and the moment I saw it I applied for the new position. The application process was tough and I had to come up with three unique music article ideas. I hope I didn’t rush it too much because it took me awhile to come up with them and I’m not totally happy with what I came up with. We’ll have to see. I soooo want this position. It promises higher paying articles, higher profile features, and a chance to write for many of Yahoo’s other websites. Fingers crossed!

The Power of Music!

After coming home from the dentist this afternoon, I jumped straight into bed. Max was over last night and I didn’t get to sleep until way after midnight...and I wake up at 5AM for work. While I was sleeping I had had a dream and he was in it. I can’t remember the dream specifically, except his presence in it, and of course I found myself with him on the mind once again after I woke up. I went to my pc and YouTube in search of a song for today and I found myself going to my list of, you guessed it, sad songs. Check out today’s choice below.

Ugh! I so hate this! As I said before, I’m really getting tired of these nagging feelings and I want them to just go away. There’s so much about this relationship that was full of high highs and low lows, and I guess somewhere deep down inside I’m having a hard time still accepting the fact that he’s totally gone from my life.

I keep dreaming that I’m in some sort of romantic comedy, you know the ones, where it starts off with a whirlwind romance, then something goes wrong and there are sad scenes where the characters are trying to adjust to life without each other, and finally they come to their happy ending. Again, ugh! I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever have a happy ending with anyone.

Once I realized again that I was getting into a temporary funk, I realized that I needed to do something. I changed what I was listening to. I reached back into the 90’s, a period of nice club music and good memories. I played lots of favorites like Jocelyn Enriquez’ “Do You Miss Me” and “A Little Bit of Ecstasy”, Madison Avenue’s “Don’t Call Me Baby”, Armand Van Helden, La Bouche, and two of my favorites: Pete Heller’s “Big Love” and Inner City’s “Good Life.”

These songs bring back a lot of great memories and they’ve definitely put me back into a happy place, thankfully. Ah, the power of music! Here are the two videos:

Pete Heller's "Big Love"



Inner City - "Good Life"



"Let me take you to a place you know you wanna go, it's a good life..."

Well, that’s all for now. I’m off to get my workout, for the body and the mind, and then do some more writing. I wish I was off tomorrow, because I love Thursday nights at Splash. The music is so much better than it is on the weekends and I’m certainly in the mood to dance. Ah, well, there’s always the weekend!
As always, thanks for reading…and wish me luck with the new job!

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Good morning all. Well, today is tax day, the moment of truth. As always, my refund is going to get another hit this year because I actually made enough money from my writing to get a 1099 in the mail and another 1099 was sent to me by the flower shop because for some reason they decided to pay me as an independent contractor again. Ugh, and the money from this year’s refund is going to go to my summer fund. Fingers crossed anyway!

Life’s Roller Coaster



Anyone who knows me know how much I love roller coasters, but this roller coaster of life is a whole other story. It seems I can never have two good days in a row lately, and I’ve got to figure out something that will break me from all of this. I know that time helps, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just him that’s causing me grief, and all the time in the world isn’t going to help with that.

I know I probably brought this all on myself, but maybe I needed a reminder that there are a lot of things I still need to work on before I can really get a move on with my life. After my dentist appointment yesterday, I did a little shopping near the Smithaven Mall and afterwards I found myself going to visit Joe at his job. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve and I haven’t seen him since August. I don’t know, I just felt a need to see him.

Our visit was short and pleasant, as it usually is with him. I saw a couple of his friends who I’d known when we were together and had a chance to catch up with them a bit before Joe walked in. He’d been on a house call when I got there, but he showed up in no time, really. I don’t know, I think he was happy to see me. My first trepidation at making the visit was his reaction to my appearance.

Like my friends Grazyna and Rich before, Joe seemed shocked that I had lost so much weight. “You need to go eat a cheeseburger,” he kept telling me.

“I’m 170 pounds. That’s just right for me.”

“Where are you 170 pounds? I can see it in your face,” he answered disapprovingly.
I asked him if I looked sick and he told me no, but I can’t help but wonder about that. I mean, I don’t feel sick, but like my mom I often worry about things like that. Deep down I know it’s my eating habits, and I’ve been trying to eat more lately, but I’m still afraid to gain weight.

We spoke of our lives and how they were going. Throughout the conversation I kept thinking to myself how happy he seems with his life. I feel like I’m still in some sort of purgatory. No matter what I do, I still can’t seem to get things right with my life and I don’t know how to fix it.

I thought about him most of the day afterwards. I thought about all of the memories we shared, the happy times together. I kept asking myself “what happened?” and the sadness at our ending came back to me. I know that when we broke up it was how it had to be, though, because just like with Sunday, I know it takes two to make a relationship and if one is not right with it there’s nothing else that can be done about it.

On my way home from the club last night I listened to my “Favorite Slow Songs” folder on my iPod. Though I knew it would only make me sadder, I couldn’t help it. Aside from being slow and sometimes sad, they’re all great songs that I love to sing along to. There was MJB’s “Each Tear”, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air”, some gut-wrenching Adele, and some more Mary. By the time the list reached around the 10th song I lost it. The song was Sade’s “By Your Side.” It had been Joe’s and my song and for the first time ever it made me cry.

I cried not for Joe or for Sunday, but for me. I don’t know, but right now I can’t help but relate the two relationships and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. With Joe, I had it all, everything one could ask for in a life partner, but I wasn’t satisfied with the downside of our relationship. With him, I believed I just may have found the next love of my life, but ultimately fate dealt its hand against my favor once again.

So where to go from here? That’s a good question, one which I don’t have an easy answer to. I’m feeling much better today, but I know it won’t last too long. I just have to make a conscious effort to hang on to it as long as I can, and figure out a way to make it all better. We’ll have to see!



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Happy Saturday everyone! Today is the first day of a much needed 9-day vacation. As many of you know, the last vacation I had was probably among my all time worst, so I really want to make up for it this time and I got off to a great start yesterday. Here’s the latest on my so called life:

Dating…Um, I Dunno…



You know how similar things all seem to happen in bunches? Like when there’s a plane crash or something…there could have been none in years and then all of a sudden there are two or three in the span of a couple of weeks. Well, that happened to me yesterday. I’ve been single now for the better part of three years and no one has ever tried to set me up before…that is until now, and the potential blind dates were almost plural.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because of my recent breakup that people are thinking I need to meet somebody new to get over it, but that’s really not the case. It all started several weeks ago when a coworker mentioned setting me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring school district (see Daily Ramblings, January 22nd). At the time I just listened to her and smiled, not really giving much thought to the matter. I hadn’t really come up again until Thursday, when she showed me his picture in the newspaper (it was a local newspaper about his school’s trip to Argentina). Then it came up again when I got to work yesterday:

“Oh John, there you are. I’ve been looking for you all morning. I finally spoke to him last night. I told him all about you. We’re going to be Facebook friends and so he can look at your page and you can see his…”

“Oh…” was all I could say.

“He asked a lot of questions, and don’t worry, I played you all up. I told him all about your writing and your awards. Oh, he was so cute. You’re so cute. I think you guys would be so perfect together. I’m so excited.”

She could have gone on and on, but thankfully we both had to be at a meeting, so we were cut short. She tentatively mentioned that he and I would meet for coffee when he gets back from his trip. At least I’ve got some time to think more about it!

Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with another friend, Laura Kim. In recent months, she’s expanded her “gay” horizons by befriending her makeup artist and his partner. I think his name is Michael. Anyway, for months she’d been spending a lot of time with Michael and his boyfriend and just recently, around Christmastime, the two of them broke up (you see what I’m saying, I know of at least three other couples that ended relationships around the same time!).

She really hadn’t mentioned Michael too much to me until yesterday. She went to Florida last night for her vacation and Michael is going to be taking care of her birds (she’s got four of them!) while she’s gone. He had been over her house the night before. She told me that he asked her if she would set him up with me. Obviously she’s told him a lot about me since she and I are such good friends. She told me this after I had told her about the other potential blind date.

“You see, I would never do that,” she said. “Michael asked me to introduce you guys, but I know both of you and I know that you wouldn’t work. You’re not each other’s type.”

She went on to tell me that Michael, being a makeup artist, is very flamboyant. She knows me well enough to know that’s not my type at all. “She makes Joe look like a truck driver!” she quipped. (Joe was not flamboyant at all, but it wasn’t ever that hard to figure out he was gay, if you know what I mean.)



I appreciated that. In fact, I had been wondering since she first told me of Michael’s breakup if she was going to suggest just that. Now I knew why she hadn’t, thankfully. At least that’s one of two I don’t have to worry about.

The truth of the matter is I’m still smarting and I really have no interest in men at all. I wish it were different, but at the moment that’s how I feel. Even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in awhile, I still think about him a lot and I’m still missing him. I can’t help but harbor a lot of those ‘what if’s’ in my head, wishing that I could go back and right all of the wrongs that I did to make him disappear from my life. I know they say time heals all wounds and eventually it will get better, but right now I guess I’m just going to have to keep feeling this way until that day comes.

I guess love comes around when you least expect it to, and true feelings cannot be wiped away just because your mind wants them to. I told my friend Laura Kim yesterday that I wish I’d just never met him. That way I wouldn’t have had to go through all of this hurt over these past several months and I’d just be my normal self like I had been before. She responded by reminding me how happy I was when I was with him. I don’t know…is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I was very happy then, but that’s why I’m so unhappy now, so I can’t answer that question with any real honesty.



I’m dealing with things in the best way I know how. Sometimes I’m feeling really good about myself and other days he just lingers in my mind. It’s not as bad as it had been the first go around, just different. I’d like to think he’s smarting from missing me, too, but I just don’t know, nor will I ever probably. I’m guessing it’s been a lot easier for him to stay away from me, considering how angry he was the last time I heard from him. If only he truly saw things from my perspective, maybe he would’ve understood and not been so angry. In the meantime I just need to go about my business and get my mind right.

Splish Splash on a Friday Night

Even though I said I wouldn’t go to Splash anymore on Friday nights, I went last night. After all, it was the beginning of vacation and it does me good to get out and let loose for awhile. I’m really glad I did because I had a great time. For the first time since I’ve been going there I didn’t just wear a t-shirt and jeans. I got a little dressed up, with a beautiful black, button down shirt and some nice jeans. I looked good if I say so myself!

The music was awesome, and I danced all night with a lot of people. Several guys approached me throughout the night and that’s probably one of the reasons I like going out: because it feeds my self-esteem. Though I never try to pursue anything with anyone, it’s still nice to be playful and it’s fun to dance.

Sometimes I wish my friends would come with me…I hate going it alone all the time, and it would be nice not to have to deal with some of the creepers who approach me either! Maybe one day…

On a musical aside, the deejay played an awesome mix of three songs, one which I’d never heard before, but it worked perfectly. The songs included in the mix were Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” (check out the video below!), LaRoux’s “Bulletproof” and Robyn’s “Indestructible.” Now there have been plenty of times when I’ve heard two songs mixed together, but rarely have I heard three, and it was so hot! Last night was also the first time I heard “Born this Way” in a club, and they followed it up with Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Believe it or not, the dance floor was fuller for Madonna! You go Mo! Still the Queen!



Recent Yahoo Contributor Network Articles

Here are links to some recent pieces I’ve published on YCN:

Concert Tours Hitting the US in Spring/Summer 2011

There are lots of concert tours coming this way this summer, and there’s plenty I want to see. I actually think I’ll be going to see Lady GaGa in April at Nassau Coliseum and I’m definitely going to see Kylie in May. Rihanna and Sade are also on my wish list. I’d better get to writing so I’ll be able to afford the tickets!

Collected Works: The Misadventures of Johnny Driver, Season 2

I finally put all of the Johnny Driver Season 2 installments all in one place. Though I was sporadic in publishing the season’s episodes and readership has been down, I think my writing got a lot better this go around and the storylines were more involved. Check em out, please!

Great Advice for Online Writers from a fellow YCN Contributor

It’s been a slow week for writing as these two have been it for me. There’s another piece that I came across by fellow writer Lyn Lomasi that I want to share. It’s another one of her many great pieces of advice for online writers and I think it’s one of her best. Check it out:

10 Things Every Web Writer Should Know

A Short Spring Preview

The last two days were spectacular, weather-wise. Well, the temperature was anyway. The temps reached all the way into the 50’s and it was nice to be able to roll the windows down and not wear a jacket after the bitter winter we’ve had so far. But, never fear, Mother Nature is reminding us today that it’s still February…the wind is absolutely howling at the moment and the temperature is supposed to drop to 18 degrees tonight. Oh well, it IS February, after all. It was just nice to get those two days as a preview and the cold is not supposed to stay too long anyway.

Well, I think I’ve written enough for one day. I really need to stop skipping days because then I give you readers too much to read, lol. I think it’s time to get to work on writing that I get paid to do. The mouth is healing nicely, by the way. As always, thanks for reading and enjoy Whitney!

Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"

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Well it’s a new month and we’re that much closer to spring. At least the long days of January are finally behind us and now we can look to this, the shortest of months, as a short sprint towards March and the sign of better weather ahead. The current storm we’re experiencing is not snow, but ice, and my school has thankfully called for a two hour delay, which is pretty smart if you ask me. By the time I have to leave, the sun will be up and at least some of that ice will have turned to water and driving will be that much safer.

With the new month comes new hope. So far the New Year hasn’t been all that great, and I hope that things will soon change. I believe life is cyclical; at least mine seems to be that way. Every period of unpleasantness in my life is always followed by periods of sunshine. I need some sunshine at this point, and besides, I think I’m way overdue. The last period of happiness and things going my way began in late summer and carried me through until mid-November. It’s been about two and a half months of anxiety and bad fortune now, so I hope that by now I’ve weathered the storm. We shall see!

It’s funny, since my latest episode with him I’ve been thinking a lot about Joe and I don’t know why. When I first started dating him a lot of my friends said it was never going to last because of our age difference. I’ve always been a non-conformist and I believe that I never have to follow any of society’s norms and rules. Just because things are supposed to work out a certain way, they don’t necessarily have to work out the same for me. I live my own life, not according to what anyone else expects.

And so it was with Joe and I after we broke up. I’ve said before that I always believed that he and I would have made great friends had we not fallen into the relationship we’d had, and I believed we could be friends eventually. Though there was a lot of hurt in the aftermath of our breakup, he and I kept in contact throughout the ensuing months and years. Our conversations were usually pleasant, even though for a long, long time talking with him worked to feed my sadness.
Even today I look back on our relationship with melancholy and even some regret, but I do not now, nor did I ever harbor hopes of reuniting with him. I just wanted to keep him in my life somehow. My friends thought I was unwise to keep him in my life in any capacity. I scoffed at that notion, but maybe, to my own dismay, they were right.

It wasn’t until last summer, almost three years after our breakup, that Joe and I finally had a breakthrough. We’d had a phone conversation during which we discussed things we never had discussed before. We talked about things as if we were real friends, no longer editing out the things that might have been unpleasant for either one of us to hear. At the time, he was in the process of buying a house with his partner and I even offered to come meet him once they’d moved in.

Things have changed in his life since then and I know he’s not too happy with his situation. The deal on the house fell through and he is now living in a basement apartment with his partner. He’s made himself scarce with practically all of our mutual friends and I last heard from him the day before Christmas Eve. He’d called to wish me a Merry Christmas and unfortunately we got cut short because of a knock on my door. I was pissed because we hadn’t spoken for a long time prior and I missed him.

The other day when I got home from work I noticed his car in my neighbor’s driveway. Since we broke up, he’d often make a visit to her house and almost always he’d stop by here if I was home. I became a little excited, knowing that he’d be coming by. I tidied the house in anticipation for his visit and was looking forward to seeing him. About twenty minutes later I looked out the window to see that his car was gone. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

People said that Joe and I could never be friends. Like I felt with my latest, I never believed the naysayers. Joe and I share a lot of memories and common interests and we always have a lot to talk about. He holds a special place in my heart and I miss him. There is no longer any tension between us, yet I feel that lately he’s been avoiding me and I don’t know why. Maybe the naysayers were right after all. Maybe Joe and I can’t be friends, just like he and I could never work. I just don’t know the answers to either question, but it makes me sad!

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Yesterday was my toughest experience writing for this blog. Unfortunately I spent too much energy trying to get what I wanted to say out there and I never got around to what I really wanted to do and that’s writing. Aside from the fact that I’m still not happy with my last entry, the experience has given me writer’s block, which I’m going to try and tackle with a little warm up here.

Change in Attitude



Even though I think I’ve spoken about my personal life enough, I just wanted to say that I feel that I’m in a better place today than I was before. Putting all of my thoughts into the written word, both the piece that I published and the one I didn’t, helped me to think things through and in a better way.

I realized from working through it all that I have a pretty good life so far and I’m proud of who I am, whether or not I am anybody’s number one. It’s funny, but during all of the relationships in my life, my confidence and self-esteem always tend to wane. Though he probably doesn’t even realize it, Joe shattered my self-esteem for years, leaving it in tatters by the time we broke up. That’s probably why it took me three years to get over it.

This past relationship took me to the same place where that was concerned, only in a different way. He never put me down or made me feel bad about myself like my previous relationship, but the consistent worrying about our fate together worked to tear down that confidence I had gained over the summer. I fell quickly and I got hurt. I suffered from the loss and now I’m beginning to believe for the first time in weeks that whatever happens, I’ll be alright in the end.

Life is all about attitude, and this past weekend was a wakeup call that I needed to change mine. The last time he and I separated, I was a literal mess. I’d grown accustomed to having someone out there and felt a huge void when he left. This time I’m realizing that I can’t live my life for a dream that may or may not come to fruition. I haven’t changed my mind about him, but I’m looking at things from a better perspective now.

Examining my life through my writing works wonders for me. It forces me to think long and hard and I know that from yesterday I’ve already gained back some confidence in myself. I’ve got people around me who love me and I appreciate each and every one of them, as I know they do for me. Living for another person does neither one good. The only way any relationship can work is for both people to complement each other, to love and support one another in their endeavors, and allow them to do their own thing when they need to. When it’s one-sided, that’s when things go terribly wrong, as it did with Joe and I. I promise myself to remember this the next time around.

School, Glorious School

Today was a crazy day at school. I’m not sure if I was just in a bad mood or what…I didn’t feel like I was, but a couple of things happened that I look back now and say were pretty comical. The first thing was one I had expected. For the past couple of days I’ve been developing a pimple right next to my eyebrow in plain sight, and it’s not pretty. As I expected from past experience, one of my students felt the need to tell me that I had a pimple on my forehead.

“Really?” I asked him, sarcastically. “Thanks for telling me. I had no idea it was there.” Kids!

A couple of periods later I was reviewing some vocabulary words with another class. When I said one of the words aloud, one of my other students felt the need to repeat it in Spanish. I don’t know, but her action got me off on a tangent that I get into once in awhile about us living in America and this being an E, as in English, SL class. It was all in good fun, even though I meant a lot of the things I said (Hmmm, an idea for a piece!).

I’ve been teaching for 8 years now and I can say from my experience that the Spanish kids learn English at a much slower pace, in general, than kids whose native language is one other than Spanish. I believe that’s because in this country we make it too convenient for Spanish speakers not to learn English. I mean, everywhere I turn it’s “toca numero uno para espanol” or “para espanol, apriete numero dos.” I’ve got Turkish, Russian and Polish students who’ve become proficient in English in two years and yet my Spanish ones stay in my program for seven. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

Anyway, back to my story. Because it was this particular girl who had started me off, much of my ‘lecture’ was directed at her. She’s relatively new in my classroom and so she’d never heard this rant of mine before. The other kids were smirking and chuckling to themselves as I went on, but she soon developed a very serious look on her face.

I stopped talking and asked her if she was alright. Her lips started to quiver. She was on the verge of tears. “You were yelling at me,” she finally answered. I tried my best to calm things down and eventually I did, but not before she had to wipe a few tears away. It was the first time in eight years I ever made a student cry! Me, one of the most soft-spoken, kindest people I know! The girl came back a couple of periods later and we had a nice long talk to smooth things over, but I’m going to have to remember this the next time I go off on a rant…

Am I mean?



Nah!!!!



Once again, thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more…

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This is by far the toughest entry I’ve had to write so far! I’ve been struggling with this for two days now and I’m still not sure if I’m approaching this in the right way. I actually wrote another piece, a much longer one that shared a little too much, I think. So I decided to go back to the drawing board and tell it a different way.

I find myself in a quandary. I’ve come to an inevitable point where I have to face an unpleasant reality. I knew before that reconnecting with him would be risky for me, considering how I feel about him. This weekend I was presented with a reminder not to get my hopes up, that the experiences we’ve shared since reconnecting were an aberration, with no hidden meaning or agenda behind them. It’s a wake-up call, perhaps, telling me that I simply can’t do this, being friends.

I reacted with a decision to break off contact yet again, preparing myself for some more down time. Conveying the decision to him brought doubt into mind. We’d spent yet another marvelous time together and though his troubles have not gone away, he clearly harbors feelings for me, too. That was evident in his reaction and leaves me with only more questions as to where to take it from here.

The entire weekend caused me to experience what my mom likes to call a “pity party.” I guess she’s where I got it from, these occasional bouts of feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t help but hearken back to Joe, who hurt me big time, even though I was the one who ended it. I’d always suspected the love I shared with him was a little more one-sided than I would have liked, and him moving on so quickly afterwards confirmed my feelings. Though I was his number one for 20 years, I never really was.

With him, I can’t help but feel some of the same. I told him that even though he tells me I’m very special, I’m simply not special enough. I wasn’t to Joe and I’m not to him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be special enough to anyone, and herein goes the eternal struggle between the emotions and the intellect. I’m feeling sorry for myself as I fly through this roller coaster of sorts, and yet I know I have no need to worry. Whether or not I ever get another chance with him or anyone else for that matter, I am a special person and anyone who has an opportunity to be with me is a lucky person.

So as I go forward I have to remember this above all else. No matter what his circumstances, he’s taking a chance on losing maybe the best person that will ever come along in his life, and that’s too bad for him. As for me, yes I’ll be sad for a long time, but I know that time heals everything and in time I will be okay. I told him that I had no interest in anyone, really anyone else, at this moment, which says a lot about me. Before he came along I was at an all time high being single since Joe and I broke up. I dated several people and I was living it up, but strangely after being with him I don’t miss that anymore. And so it shall be for awhile, anyway.

I cannot speak for him. I know what I know from what he’s told me, and I’ll just have to go by that. Of course I’m still hurting inside, but I know I have to be strong, for my own sake. Friends have reminded me that you never know what tomorrow will bring, and so I can only hope for tomorrow to be better than today.

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Today I have a lot of things on my mind. Between the return of him into my life, the scary revelations from the other night, and my upcoming move, I’m afraid I may not get much sleep tonight.

I just published the latest “Crossroads” piece on the Yahoo Contributor Network (see below) and it took me forever to write. All of my life it seems that any decision I’ve wanted to make always somehow goes wrong and putting it all down just made me think about just how difficult a thing I’ve faced myself with. Having these other problems only makes this one seem muddier and though I want to not think about it, spring will be here before I know it and I will have had to deal with it by then.

I had a conversation with a good friend earlier, the one who was with me at Graz’s house the other night. Among the things we spoke of was the topic of my health. I had to listen to some things that were hard to hear, and knowing this friend as I do, for him to say such things it was serious. You see, he’s not one to throw his opinions in loosely, so when he does I know it’s significant. I understand that I have not been treating my body well and that I need to change that, and soon. I could list all of the things I’m doing wrong that I shouldn’t be doing, but what’s important is that I realize this.

Earlier today I worked out for the first time in a long time. It’s how I lost weight in the first place, but back then it was my method for doing so. Lately my way of losing weight has been abstinence from food, supplemented with lots of coffee. I understand that needs to change and I wish I could say that I abstained today, but I didn’t. But I did work out and I did eat dinner, which was another big step for me because I wasn’t hungry. I just need to keep at it.

And then there’s him. Though the past two days with him were wonderful, I know I need to deal with him in a whole new way now. My first instinct this morning was to text him a ‘good morning’, as I did most days when we were together. But I knew I couldn’t. I can’t allow myself to fall back into a comfort zone with him even though that would be so easy. With all that’s gone on, I need to protect myself from deeper hurt, and so I need to refrain myself from every day contact, even though I’ve wanted to dial his number so many times today.

As I said yesterday, I have no idea what’s to come. I just know that I have to keep it in my mind that we are no longer a couple, and that I have to let him be. I know after the last two days that he cares for me a great deal and that we fit well together, but I have to respect that he needs to work through things in his own way. I hope that the past two days with me were as good for him as they were for me and that somehow I’ve added a little to his healing process. It was what I'd hoped for all along.

Now of course I don’t plan to disappear from his life. I still hope to have regular contact with him, but I also want to give him whatever space he needs and I have to show that I’m alright with it. Today we became Facebook friends once again and since I post these entries there he will surely see them. I guess it’s part of our new relationship and I hope it only serves to clarify whatever place I have in his mind and in his heart. It’s all a part of putting myself out there like I do. It’s always risky, but it’s my way.

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As I began to write yesterday’s entry, already things in my life were changing. I began writing sometime early in the morning and never quite got back to it until today. There was so much I wanted to say in it, but the distractions of the day pulled me away from it until this morning. You see, as I wrote my daily blog, he was sleeping here in my house.

I had spoken with him a couple of times early in the day on Saturday. After I’d left him early that morning, he fell asleep and woke up with a bad sore throat and a case of pink eye. Of course I was concerned for him. I’ve seen him sick before and I know his own habits, like lack of sleep, do not help him get better quickly. I put it in my mind that maybe he’d be cancelling our Sunday together and went about my day, disappointed, but okay with it.

Just before I left for my evening engagements (I had a birthday party to go to after my friend’s), I heard from him. He’d been feeling better as the day wore on and had made plans for the evening with his friends. I told him that I was going clubbing, but I wasn’t sure whether I was going to the city or not. He told me to give him a call if I was in the city, when I was leaving the club. I kind of knew that that meant if that were the case, he’d probably be coming home with me.

With all of the things that happened during the evening, I was preoccupied with upsetting thoughts of my own life, and for the first time in weeks they had nothing to do with him. I ended up going into the city, of course with the hope that I would at least see him for a bit afterwards, but not really expecting him to come home with me. As I drove in towards the city I tried to put it in my mind that maybe I wasn’t ready to spend time with him at home just yet anyway, and so I wasn’t going to push for it. I’d let things happen as they happened and be okay with it either way. Besides, I figured it would be a sign of strength and healing if I cancelled Sunday, even though I was hoping to get to see him.

I hadn’t contacted him throughout the evening as we had said we would keep in contact. I assumed he was with his friends and I didn’t want to disturb him or make him think I was too eager to bring him home. I waited until I was ready to leave the club before contacting him.

As it turned out, he was home when I texted him. He’d had an argument with one of his friends and ended up staying home for the night. He asked me how my night was and I told him that it was good, which it was. I told him I’d met someone on the dance floor who’d rescued me from another unwanted pursuer, which is true. The guy was a cutie, but of course at the moment I’m not looking to connect with anyone. His response to that was one of happiness.

“Oh, what’s his name?”

I played along, giving more details on the encounter. His seeming indifference towards any type of jealousy disappointed me. I mean, I would still think that he’d be somewhat unhappy to think that I’d met someone so soon after him, but he showed no signs. That pushed me to become resolute when he asked if I was going to come down to get him. I told him that I had a lot of things to do on Sunday and that maybe it would be better for us to just postpone it for a bit, especially since he was sick.

A couple of minutes after we hung up, he texted me a sad face. When I asked him what that meant, he finally told me that what I had told him about the guy in the club made him sad. It was really what I had wanted to hear before and it gave me reassurance. At that moment I just wanted to go to him.

I told him that I was coming down, and despite his protests to the contrary, that’s just what I did. At first I told him that I’d come to see him for a bit, but in reality I was hoping that he’d come home with me. I guess it’s part of those stupid games we play when we’re courting someone, I dunno. He came down to my car and we chatted for a bit before I finally convinced him to go upstairs and pack a bag.

It’s now Monday morning and he’ still here, sleeping off another restless night.
Of course, there’s so much more I could say about the past day and a half, but some things are better left private. I just know that it’s been wonderful and I think that maybe this whole new dimension of our relationship just might be a good thing. I’ve learned that even through all that’s happened since Christmas Eve, he still has some sort of feelings for me and that makes me happy, regardless of our situation. I’m realizing that he’s broken off our relationship so that he can heal himself, but as he told me before, he doesn’t necessarily want to push me away either. It’s a concept I hadn’t considered in this way.

So we enter a whole new realm. I really have no idea where it will take us, but I feel happy knowing that he’s going to remain in my life somehow, in some way. I have to be grateful for getting some sunshine back into my life after seemingly endless days of darkness, and live to enjoy the moments I do get for the time being. We’ll see…

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It happened! Last night, he and I spoke for the first time since the night before we broke up. From the time I was writing my last entry, I was filled with nervous anticipation of what was to come. As I said, I wanted to share this blog with him, let him see all of the things I’d been thinking and feeling since that day. Once I had finished the entry, I wrote him an email with a link pointing to this blog. I composed a text telling him to check an email and I sat there, with three send buttons waiting to be clicked.

I was nervous, still struggling with how to go about communicating to him. He reached out to me, and at first I handled it the best way I knew how…to write to him in this way, but I had second thoughts all the way through. I finally convinced myself that yes, this was the right way to go about it, letting him see where I’ve been instead of hiding it and moving in another direction. I clicked the three send buttons.

Within minutes, he texted me to tell me he was reading. He said he’d be doing it for a little while. He added an “lol”, which was a good sign. At least he still had a sense of humor with me. After what seemed like a long, nerve wracking time, my cell phone rang.

He admitted later on, and he could have spoken for me too, when he said that he was uneasy at first, but there was no uneasiness in our conversation from the get-go. We spoke for a long, long time, alternating between serious discussion, our usual interrupted thoughts (we both think faster than our mouths can get things out), and some old, familiar humor. It was great speaking with him again.

Through the conversation, which wasn’t all easy to hear, I came to understand some things that I hadn’t really seen before. He and I have always had a communication gap at times, maybe because of the difference in our ages, or maybe just from the differences in our personalities and worldviews, but some of the things he’d been saying all along suddenly became clear to me, and they eased my mind a lot.

In his breakup email, he’d said that he’d always been thinking of me, that he never wanted to cause me hurt. I’d gotten that from him before and when I read it in the email I didn’t believe it. He said I meant a lot to him and that he didn’t want to lose me from his life. Of course, I reacted at first like I think many would have. I was in shock that he was ending it, and I couldn’t bear to think of knowing him at all. I wasn’t thinking from his perspective at all.

I realize now, after speaking with him last night and again today that he was sincere in all of those things he said. He knew that he still had his ex in his heart and that he couldn’t get past that while maintaining a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter. It makes perfect sense and deep down I know that he’s right. And though I had felt like he was pushing me away, I was being selfish in my own thoughts. He did…does care for me a great deal and breaking up with me…letting go of me, hurt him, too.

He contacted me because he missed me. He’s been missing me like I’ve been missing him and though yesterday’s contact was an impulse, it was the first of a few he’d had that he acted upon. Through it all, he told me that if it was too soon he’d understand. He understood that he’d caused me so much pain and he didn’t want to push himself back into my life if I wasn’t ready. He showed me that he is a mature human being, who’s sincere and has a lot to give. It’s a very big reason why I like him so much.

Over the past several weeks I’ve claimed to understand why he did what he did, but I was never strong enough to understand it completely enough from his perspective. Though it still hurts, I do understand now better than I had before. It wasn’t me at all. If our timing had been different, maybe I could’ve been the one.

Towards the end of the conversation, he reminded me that I had never answered his earlier question. At that point I still wasn’t sure if I was able to see him just yet. I told him I’d let him know, which I did today. Yes, I do want to see him again. I carry such admiration for him that I do want him in my life still, somehow. Maybe by staying in his life, I can still help him in my own little way and that would give me great pleasure to be there to see him heal.

We’ve made plans to see one another on Sunday. I have no idea how it will go. After all, there’s still hurt. Will that hurt intensify by seeing him or will I be able to segue smoothly into a new kind of relationship with him? I will only know by dealing with it. All I know is that I’ve missed him enough to want to see him and hopefully in the end we’ll be better off keeping one another in our lives.

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Well, this is the first entry I am writing that I know he will see. Before writing it, I reread all of the entries I had written in the past week and a half just to make sure I could relive where my head’s been. Although there are probably some things he’ll disagree with or possibly even be offended by, they were a part of my ever-changing feelings as I wrote them, and so for me they were my momentary truths. There’s a fair certainty that I got some things wrong.

Earlier this evening I was out to dinner with a friend when suddenly I got a text message. It was from him. He had been wondering if I wanted to hang out with him sometime before he goes back to school in a week or so. He said he missed me and missed having me around. Ditto! He also said that he would understand it if I can’t. I told him I’d think about it, which is what I’m doing as I write this.

Of course I want to see him. I miss him immensely. As I’ve said before, for two months he was a daily part of my life and then all of a sudden he was gone, leaving a big void. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his serious side and his silly side. Most of our communication was over the phone…we only saw one another on weekends…but that was just fine. He was still always there and now he’s not.

He said in his text tonight that he didn’t want to cause me any stress or confusion, that maybe he was only thinking of himself and not enough about me. (You see, I told you he was a rare one!) It’s obvious that he’s missing me as I’ve missed him and that is reassuring. Having him in my life wasn’t for naught, as I may have considered before.

I’m somewhat nervous as I write this. We’ve been apart for almost three weeks now and by showing this blog to him I’m opening up my recent world to him, with the many feelings I’ve been experiencing. I’m not sure if he’s ever really considered what I’ve been going through, the hurt I’ve been feeling at his loss. I never had an opportunity to discuss anything with him afterwards. He ended it and that was really that, and afterwards he didn’t really want to address any of the things I'd brought up in emails. I’m not even sure he’ll have the energy to go through it all in one sitting (it’s a lot of reading!), but hopefully he’ll see things from a different perspective once he does.

So right now I’m left with a decision. Do I say yes? Should I make plans to see him? What would that be like? The truth is, I have no idea. When he first broke it off, I said I wanted him to forget me so I could forget him. The truth is, he’s a hard person to forget and maybe staying in his life as a friend somehow will be a good thing. It could also deepen my sorrow, but how will I feel if I don’t take a chance? It has always been my motto. Being any part of his life is better than nothing, right? But if it’s going to be, then we need to get over this initial hump.

One thing he and I always had was an open and honest relationship. It was one of the things about me that was beginning to change since I’d met him. This is why I’ve chosen to show this to him. Before we can speak, I just need him to know my side of all of this. Besides, I guess I want to avoid any uncomfortableness that would be before we talk live. I need to be open and honest with him about me first, to let him know where my head is at. I’ve given a lot of myself to him, and I did it gladly. Now I need him to give a little, to listen, or else I’ll know we’re not meant to be in each other’s lives, in any capacity.

I hope he listens with an open and empathetic ear, and understands that there were two people in this relationship and regardless of everything he's been going through, my feelings count, too! The entries in this blog have been my way of coping with the loss of him, and I’d love the chance to have him back in my life again, even as friends…

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